So Not a Runner...

Sunday morning was my long run - 10 miles to be exact. My running partner and I ran an hour out and turned around and came back. That's 2 hours of running people. 2 HOURS. I could have watched a movie in that time... or done a couple loads of laundry... or finished my Christmas shopping. Instead, I was pounding the dirt path by the canals and fighting a constant battle in my brain. You see, I have a love/hate relationship with running. I love that I can see myself improve weekly and I feel a great sense of accomplishment after a great run, but I hate every minute of it. During the actual act of running, I'm constantly fighting the urge to stop and walk or just quit all together and go home. I give myself little pep talks and try to play the hypest music I can find. I just don't think I'll ever be one of those people who LOVES running. It will always be HATE first, then followed with some love.

I was spent after the run, but had to run errands ALL DAY. Talk about hell. Today I was paying for it with tired legs and a weird twinge in my knee. Hopefully all is good with the anatomy because I have an 11-miler this week!

Eating was HORRENDOUS today. We had a cookie exchange at work and I had about 9 billion cooks just to 'taste' to see if they were any good. LOL! Oh, and does Whataburger fries count towards vegetables? (Don't worry, I jest.) Must do better or I will be back to square one when I get back from the holidays.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and rings in the new year with a BANG! <3

The Small Victories...

Wow, I just made a healthy mini pizza (whole wheat pita, low sugar pizza sauce, fat free cheese, fresh sliced mushrooms, fresh bell pepper and turkey pepperoni) instead of stuffing my face with crap food, as I'm prone to do on the weekend. Seriously, it's those small victories that keep me going. =)

Now I'm really off to do those errands.

Right after I download some new tunes for my iPod. I have to update the soundtrack of my life now that I feel more like a new me!

Losing Weight & the Holidays

So yeah, did I pick the worst time ever to start over with weight loss or what? This week was our company Christmas dinner at a really nice golf resort. They had prime rib, salmon, salad, roasted veggies, potatoes, appetizers of crackers, cheese, crudite and a huge array of sweets for dessert. Oh, did I mention the open bar? Goodness! I'm proud that I didn't go overboard with the food, I just had a normal sized portion of everything that I wanted to try. The one thing I promised myself was that if the food didn't taste GOOD, then don't eat it. Growing up in a low income family, we always had to clean our plates because we couldn't afford to let food go to waste. That is one of those habits that gets deeply ingrained in your psyche, but I am trying really hard to break it. Put everything, in reasonable portions, on your plate that you are interested in sampling. If you taste it and it doesn't taste really GOOD, then don't eat it. *gasp* Such a 'duh' thing for a normal person to do, but it was seriously a moment of epiphany to me when I thought of it. So last night I had food left on my appetizer plate and dessert plate (shocking!) that I didn't think was worthy enough to waste calories on. =) Yay me, it's the small victories that keep me going...

Didn't get much exercise in this week because life keeps getting in the way (2 jobs = 12+ hours of work a day!). I don't suspect I'll be able to get much exercise in this coming week and over my holiday vacation (into the heart of Mexico), except my marathon training. I will not slack on that because I don't want to deal with the consequences of slacking during the 13.1 mile race. Plus, running I can do anywhere and at anytime, so I can't really come up with a good excuse for not doing it while I'm away on vacation. Just bring a sports bra and my running shoes.

Next week is our Christmas cookie exchange, where I'm supposed to walk away with like 8 dozen different types of Christmas cookies. =O I'm going to sort of re-gift them to my office and my husband's office. I just want to show a little Christmas spirit by sharing homemade goodies with others during the holidays, but I wasn't about to make 8 dozen different types of Christmas cookies myself. We are also having our section Potluck lunch at work filled with lots of yummy food. I'm bringing 7 layer dip and chips - nothing diet about that, but I do love that dip. Hopefully there's left overs. =) Also, I'm supposed to be doing lunch with some friends as a farewell to 2007 since we won't be seeing each other again until 2008. Wow, I can't believe this year has flown by so quickly.

So, this will probably be one of my last posts until the new year. I think I'll do the cliche 'New Years Goals' as one of my first posts back. I don't say resolutions because then I feel like a total loser if I'm not able to accomplish everything on my list, but I can strive for reaching all my goals and feel happy that I tried my best even if I don't achieve all of the goals. Goals are something you strive for, resolutions are something that have to be done in a finite period or you've failed (too black and white for me). Word play that makes me feel less like a loser if I crash and burn during the year. LOL!

On one of my earlier posts, I had a nice trainer guy offer his services to help me lose weight. SWEET! Can we say psyched? I mean, I'm as paranoid as the next person about strangers, but I'm desperate ya'll (wow, the southerner in me snuck out)! I seriously want to get these last 50-60 lbs off this year. I'm looking forward to seeing what he suggests and seeing the results of his handiwork. Of course, I'll be keeping you guys posted on that and day dreaming about it while I'm gone for the holidays... in Mexico.... eating burritos and tamales with reckless abandon. Just kidding! While I'm earnestly scouring Mexico for the healthiest food I can get my hands on. =) I am going to try to bring some staples (like microwaveable oatmeal for breakfast) and then stick with the healthiest fruits, veggies and lean meats I can. Supposedly, there's a Super Wal-mart down there, so I should have no excuse (except that I love to try local cuisine when I'm traveling!). Oh, how did that excuse sneak in there? LOL.

Ok, off to do all my errands in preparation of our departure next week. I hope everyone has a super wonderful holidays and best wishes in the new year!! 2008 will be our year!

Baby Steps

My goals this first week were to incorporate more exercise into my life. I've been running about 3 days a week for my marathon training, but I really needed to kick it up a notch with weight training. Since I've never really been all that into weight training and I don't have anyone to show me what to do (like a trainer), I bought 'The Biggest Loser' Fitness book and have been following their circuit training routine. I didn't push myself too hard the first week because I didn't want to overdo it and burn out too quickly. Eating was successful as well. I logged all my food this week in my food diary, but didn't deprive myself if I wanted some random snacks here and there. I refuse to deprive myself during the holidays. This is supposed to be a lifestyle change and I'm never going to want to deprive myself of all the holiday goodies, so why start now? My main goal until the new year is just to maintain my weight and not GAIN, like I have the last several years. I've heard several times this year that most American gain 7lbs during the holidays. I hope that isn't me this year, considering I usually gain way more than 7 lbs. =\

Besides all that, I've been baking up a storm this weekend. A co-worker of mine gave me some ripe bananas so I tried out a new banana crumb muffin. Yum! I suppose I should give him some for donate the bananas to my baking cuase. =) I also tested out a 'butter and jam thumbprints' recipe for a Christmas cooking exchange on Dec 17th. They turned out well, so all is good. This is another reason why I have a hard time losing weight. I LOVE to cook! My inbox is full of recipes that I email to myself when I come across something that looks good online and I have cookbooks up the wazoo. LoL, actually my Amazon wish list is full of books on weight loss/fitness, exercise equipment and cookbooks. Once I get to my goal weight, I'll need to continue to exercise excessively so I can test out all the tasty recipes and still maintain my weight. LoL.

My point? I'm obsessed with food and must learn to lose weight and maintain my weight loss while still enjoying all the yummy things in life.

I did good this weekend, got my grocery list together for healthy lunches and dinners all week and have gotten my exercise schedule together for this upcoming week. *patting myself on the back* Oh, and did I mention an ~8.5 mile run around a mountain in about 1 hr and 40 mins?? Rock on!

Keep on truckin'!

A Brief History of Me

I've always been fat.

You know, I'm THAT girl. The fat friend. The girl with the really good personality that makes everyone laugh. The really cool girl that guys always considered 'one of the guys'. The 'Hey, your friend is hot. Can you hook me up with her?' girl. Yeah, that's me.

I have many countless traumatizing memories emblazoned in my mind from my youth pertaining to my weight. Family members ridiculing me, adolescent boys poking fun and shopping at 'fat stores' just to name a few. But throughout it all, I kept a positive attitude on the outside and was always viewed as a very happy, fun person to hang out with. I never let people know how much it bothered me or how much I was hurting on the inside.

I always knew I was overweight growing up, but I didn't have the knowledge or guidance to be able to lose weight. I naively tried several things that people told me would help me lose weight, only to be thoroughly disappointed and pissed off at myself for not being able to do it. Now that I look back at pictures of myself when I was younger, I realize that I wasn't FAT, I was just a little chunky. Why did I think I was some horrifically obese example of a human being? Maybe it was those family members who kept telling me over and over that I was fat. Maybe the more and more they told me, the more and more fat I thought I was. I think they did it to try to encourage me to lose weight, but it seems to have had the opposite effect. I would go into a frenzy of emotional eating when no one was around because of the misery of being fat. So yeah, thanks for traumatizing me when I was such an impressionable youth, guys.

I have one distinct memory from when I was in 3rd grade. In P.E., we had a phsycial fitness test every year where they took down all your stats and then measured your athletic ability with a series of exercises. I remember them weighing us in front of everyone and calling out our weight so that everyone could hear. When it was my turn, she yelled out '75 lbs!'. I was mortified. I was the heaviest person to be weighed so far. That was so embarassing and has been such a vivid memory my entire life. Nowadays, I don't think it's that odd for a 3rd grader to weigh 75 lbs because of the climing obesity rates in children, but back then it was like having a 3rd arm. I was a freak.

Fast forward a few years to age 15. My dad was taking me to get my permit and you have to fill out some paperwork about your physical appearance so they can put it on your permit. I remember my dad being SHOCKED when he saw me write down 214 lbs for my weight. I remember suddenly feeling really ashamed about my weight and changed it to say 200 lbs, where it stayed (it still says 200 lbs on my current driver's license). In my mind, I guess I thought 200 lbs was a little less shocking than 214 lbs.

When I graduated high school, I was in a size 16 pants. I had already been shopping at the 'fat' stores for the last several years of my life. I was overweight, but I wasn't THAT fat. I didn't have any medical issues and I was decently comfortable with myself (thanks to a fun job and new friends that accepted me for who I was). In the next 5.5 years of my life, I started college, went through a really bad break-up with my first boyfriend, found new friends and the joys of excessive alcohol and partying, met a new guy who was also into drinking and partying and took me out to dinner all the time and, finally, graduated college. In my last semester of college, I interviewed for a company out in Scottsdale, Arizona and got offered a position there. I quit my college job a month before I had to leave and lazed around eating everything in sight at the thought of leaving my family and friends and moving to a city 2500 miles away where I knew no one. I remember a half-assed attempt at losing weight by running on a track with a friend and not being able to run HALF of a lap on the track without having to stop. I could not run 1/8th of a mile without feeling like I was going to pass out. That's how bad it had gotten.

By the time I got to Phoenix, I had topped out at about 260 lbs and was busting out of a size 22 pants. Wow, how did I let it go that far?

When I got to Phoenix, everyone was skinny. I was commonly the fattest person everywhere I went. Everyone was into exercising: marathons, biking, hiking, water sports, etc. There was a gym on every corner and they were always PACKED! At this point, after I left the comfort of friends who accepted my weight and a boyfriend who didn't care how fat I was, it was painfully clear just HOW FAT I had gotten. I decided to SERIOUSLY try to lose weight at this point. It was a new city where no one knew me, it could be a fresh start to a new, healthy life. I did the Atkins diet for several months and got down to 230 lbs. I eventually gave in to the carbs, but didn't gain the weight back. I kind of just maintained until I met a friend that was a life long athlete (volleyball player) and who went to the gym in the mornings before work. She offered to meet me there in the mornings and help me workout. I also signed up with her for training sessions at the gym. I went to that gym for a whole year and didn't lose a pound because I didn't know anything about changing what I was eating and keeping track of the portions. The good thing was that I changed my body some by working out and by the end of that year could run more than a mile without stopping. The first time in my LIFE I had ever been able to do that.

At the beginning of 2006, I was about 232 lbs and decided to try the 'Body for Life' program because a really good friend of mine who is very fit swears by it. I did it for about 3 months and didn't really lose any weight because, yet again, there were no strict rules about portion sizes. I was now exercising and eating the 'right' foods, but just too much of it. In April of 2006, I found My Food Diary (http://www.myfooddiary.com/) at 228 lbs. This is a calorie counting website that tracks your exercise and body measurements as well as giving you advice on the types of food you are eating. It gives suggestions as to how much fiber, water, vitamins, etc you should be having each day and warns you when you've gone over the suggested levels of fat and sodium. I also found their forum to be very helpful and joined a group that was striving to lose 80 lbs in 40 weeks. With the support of this group of lovely ladies, I lost 20 lbs and got down to my lowest weight since I was at least 15 years old (remember the permit story?) - 208 lbs.

At this point, my (now) fiance moved out to Phoenix and I fell off the bandwagon with all the new changes. I tried to get back on track, but it wasn't very successful. I decided to try to train for a half marathon to try to jump start weightloss and get me back on track. My running partner and I ran religiously every week for months. We ran 2 short runs (3 miles) twice a week and finished up with a long run on the weekends. It was great seeing our fitness levels improve and finding that we could run farther and farther each week. I'm not sure why, but I couldn't lose a single pound during this time. I don't know if I was underestimating the food I was eating, overestimating the calories I was burning during running or what. (I ended up not being able to run that half marathon because I got violently ill the week before the race. =\)

I went home to visit my parents for Christmas that year and, even though I felt like I had my eating under control, I ballooned up to 222 lbs because I didn't run barely at all and fell into my old eating habits that I had when I lived with my parents. My only saving grace was that I got violently ill before the half marathon and lost 7 lbs because I couldn't keep any food down.

In 2007, I was determined to lose weight because I was getting married in October. But, try and try as I might I just couldn't NOT lose anything. I got my RMR and Vo2 max tested and tried eating to those calories and using a heart rate monitor to accurate tell me how many cals I was burning during exercise, but still nothing. By the time August rolled around, I had ony gotten down to about 208 lbs even though I had been trying consistently all year to lose weight. I exercised regularly and ate healthy foods. I tried the 'Fat Smash Diet' in a last ditch effort to lose some pounds before the wedding (and because I had bought my wedding dress 1 size too small to motivate myself to lose weight). I lost about 5 lbs during the first phase and then nothing for 2 weeks after that. Finally, I gave up on it because it wasn't working anymore and I had all these pre-wedding festivities that were derailing me almost daily.

After my birthday party, Phoenix Bridal Shower, Bachelorette party in Vegas, the wedding, the honeymoon and then going back to my old hometown for one of my bridesmaid's wedding, I was up over 210 lbs again. This time I tried doing the 'South Beach Diet' because I agreed with the types of foods they recommended and the reasons why they recommended it. I got down to about 205 on the first phase but then gained a few of those back during the next 2 weeks on the second phase. Then, Thanksgiving came and I totally went off the deep end. I made a ridiculously huge meal and tons of desserts that we ate twice a day for an entire week. By that time I was addicted to carbs again and hyped up on sugar. It took me several days to get a hold of myself.

So now, I am trying to eat according to the second phase of South Beach, keeping track of my calories (food and exercise) with MFD and trying to workout according to the Biggest Loser Fitness book. Oh, and training to run the half marathon again this year. I weighed in at 212 lbs yesterday, but feel good about what I'm doing.

I hope Christmas doesn't send me off into another downward spiral...

Ok, so maybe that WASN'T such a BRIEF history of me. =\

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Eww, I feel SO GROSS and DISGUSTING right now. Why do I always do this to myself? When I'm eating right and exercising, I feel great. All the endorphins are flowing, my skin is clear, my digestive process moves along smoothly, I'm happy and I'm in love with being alive. As soon as I give myself a little leeway, or fool myself into thinking I can eat like crap and not exercise for a few days and get back on track easily, I totally derail myself. I seriously send myself into a downward spiral of eating crap (and lots of it!) and being a lazy bum. That in itself is bad enough, but the worst part is the depression. I start to feel so down on myself and don't want to leave the house because I feel fat and feel like I look fat. Not a healthy place to be, but I'm sad to say that I'm there... AGAIN.

I was doing SO WELL, but Thanksgiving sent me off the deep end. I was doing the South Beach Diet because I am one of those people that gets addicted to sugar. Once I have sweet stuff, I crave more sweet stuff. If I give in to those cravings, I start craving not only sweet stuff, but junk food - and lots of it. It's really disappointing because I know this about myself, yet I have been sending myself into these episodes on a semi-regular basis lately. It's like an out of body experience - I can see it happening, but I can't do anything to stop it. At least now, I know what's happened and how to get out of the funk.

South Beach was working really well for me in that regard. I had broken my addiction to sugar, carbs, junk food, etc and wasn't really having a hard time time resisting foods that I shouldn't be eating. I lost 6 lbs the first week, then gained back 2 lbs in the following 2 weeks. I don't know what was up with that, but I should have just been happy that I had my eating under control. I probably should have added in some vigorous exercise to see how weight loss would go after that, but I let Thanksgiving get the best of me.

I LOVE Thanksgiving and I LOVE to cook - this resulted in a HUGE Thanksgiving feast with a horrendous amount of food (and, consequently, LEFTOVERS). We had a 14 lb turkey, ham, gravy, mashed potatoes, southern cornbread stuffing (yummy!), corn, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole, cranberry sauce, rolls, pecan pie, crunch top apple pie and pumpkin pie. OMG, we only had 3 other people over for dinner (besides me and my husband), WHY DID WE NEED ALL THAT FOOD? It was insanely good, but we had those gluttonous leftovers for a week. Eating those pies and sweet potato casserole totally got be addicted to sugar again and I've been wallowing in this sugar addiction for far too long now (10 days!). My body is so sensitive to carbs that I think I've probably gained like 10 lbs in those 10 days. *sigh*

So this is my pact to myself, go grocery shopping tomorrow to stock up on the foods I know I should be eating and that will help me break this ugly addiction to sugar/carbs/junk again. Tomorrow I'm meeting up with my running partner to do a 6 mile run, so I think I'm ok on the exercise. I spent a lot of time today making up a meal plan, grocery list and exercise routine for the next week *patting myself on the back* and I think I'm golden to start this thing on Monday. I've attempted to lose this last 60+ lbs SO MANY TIMES and I'm tired of always being on a 'diet' and never reaching my goal weight. This time is it - I'm going to make it. No more crash diets, no more goofing around, this is it for real.

Hold me to it.