Monday, March 31, 2008

Small Revelations

I've noticed a shift in my frame of mind concerning food these days. I think I have these little cookies to thank solely for that.

One thing I've noticed over this last week is that I NEVER crave foods anymore. Previously, if I was taking a break at work or bored at home, my mind would always wander to food and I would eventually end up getting a snack (via the vending machine or the pantry). Nowadays, I NEVER think of food (unprovoked). It just doesn’t cross my mind anymore. It's so weird! If I run across a picture of food online or a co-worker mentions a great new restaurant, I'll have a thought like 'That looks good' or 'I'll have to try that sometime', but I don't feel this intense need to eat it or something similar to it as soon as possible. That may be exaggerating a bit, but I had some serious food issues. It's very liberating not to be chained to food in that regard anymore. Is this how skinny people's brains work? Is this how my brain is SUPPOSED to work? You mean I'm not SUPPOSED to be OBSESSED with food 24/8? *gasp*

Also, back in the day when I got home from work, I would typically run straight to the kitchen in a mad dash to stuff my face with something/anything to 'tide me over' until dinner or to immediately start making dinner because I felt *famished*. It was a daily thing, get home from work and shove something into my face. Seriously, I wouldn't do anything else before that - change my clothes, check my email, turn on the tv - and I barely got my shoes off before making a bee-line to the kitchen. It almost felt frantic, like I HAD to eat something or I was going to go crazy. Now, I could care less what time I eat dinner (besides timing it according to when my last cookie was eaten, so I don't get too hungry) and don't feel so psycho about eating dinner, or eating anything for that matter. Does that make sense? I'm more casual and nonchalant about food in general. Getting hungry no longer seems like a disaster of epic proportion, like I will STARVE within minutes. It's just not that big of a deal anymore and I think it's the cookies that have done that. The cookies not only sustain me, but have seemed to have fixed the (obvious?) internal imbalance I had in regard to food. Argh, that imbalance has caused me such turmoil over the years! I'm in a much healthier place mentally with food and I like it.

So far, the only thing I struggle with is wanting food when I can see/smell it right in front of my face. I'll never sit here thinking I want chips, but if my hubby starts eating them in front of me - it makes me want to eat some just because they are there. Maybe it's the whole forbidden thing - you always want what you can't have, right? If people around me are doing drugs, smoking, drinking, I don't feel like I have to do it because (1) I think drugs are stupid and they could make me lose my job, (2) I HATE smoking and think it is SO disgusting!! and (3) I don't like the taste of any alcohol (I only drink it when I want to catch a buzz). That being said, sometimes I wish I could socially drink with friends because I'm young and, come on, it's fun to catch a buzz when you are out with friends. Sometimes I miss it, but it's been easy for me to cut it out of my diet entirely so far. I might start drinking socially occasionally when I'm closer to my goal weight because it's fun, but it's not enough fun for me to throw all my success (and $!!) out the window right now.

Nothing tastes better than thin feels, right?

OMG, I digress.

My point of that last paragraph was that it's easy to for me to abstain from things that I have no interest in when people are partaking in front of me, but food is a whole 'nother story. I LOVE FOOD. I love to cook it, I love to eat it, I love to read about it, I love to watch TV shows about it, I love everything about it. So when someone is eating something in front of me that looks good, smells good or is something I've never tried (but want to try!), my willpower comes crashing down. I think the smell gets me more than anything - if the food smells delish, my heart longs for it. I can't help it, I have issues with food, ok?? And this only applies when someone is eating something in front of me and all I have is cookies. If someone is eating something yummy in front of me and I'm eating my dinner (of lean protein and veggies), it usually isn't nearly as bad. I dunno, probably because my dinners are usually fairly yummy themselves. If I'm going to stay on this program, I have to make sure everything I'm eating tastes good, right?? Bah, you've figured out my strategy!! Eat good food within your limits to keep the program bearable.

Now, if I could just get my hubby to stop eating yummy stuff when I have nothing but cookies…

A girl can dream can't she?

Do Over! SFL Weigh-in (Week 1)

My starting weight at the Smart for Life center was 208 lbs. That was a Thursday ago (3/20) and I went in today for my first official weigh-in. I got on the scale, not knowing what to expect, and BAM 202 lbs. That means I lost 6 lbs in a week people! That's so crazy. I mean, I know some of it is water weight and some of it might even be muscle loss (I forgot to look at the body fat percentage), but I'll take what I can get baby!

The first week was HARD! Well, the first few days to be more exact. I felt like I was starving and I just couldn't fathom how anyone could stick to this diet, but I wasn't about to throw all the $ I spent away without giving it a fair shot. I'm glad I stuck with it because after the first few days, it got much easier. I was all smiles until the weekend came and my hubby just kept eating all this yummy stuff in front of me while I was stuck eating cookies or my strict dinner of lean protein and veggies. *sigh* Nothing comes without sacrifice eh? I almost caved on a CAESAR salad my hubby was having last night though. Yeah, you read that right, a CAESAR salad. How does someone cave on a diet with SALAD?? Anyways, I can't have it because of the croutons, dressing and cheeeese, but it just looked so good compared to my plain spinach salad and stuffed peppers. I guess it didn't help that I wasn't very impressed with the stuffed peppers. I always find myself craving something that I know tastes *good* after I've eaten something that disappoints my palate.

I have to commend my hubby for helping me stay in line this weekend. Sunday, just about everything he ate made me want to quit this darned diet, but he quickly reminded me how much I want to lose weight and how close I was to meeting my first milestone (getting under 200 lbs!!). That really helped me stay on track. Now, if I could just get him to quit eating all that yummy food right in front of my face…

And as far as that TMI posts goes, I'm feeling much more regular these days. =D

Last week when I went in to get my first batch of cookies, they were all out of the good flavors. Today when I went, they had all the good flavors so I stocked up on them and, boy, am I glad I did. They taste SO much better than the other flavors, so that should help me stay on track this week. No more of that stuffed bell pepper recipe either! Only the best for me… or else I'll never be able to stay on this restrictive diet.

Anyways, here's to another week of success! I'm utterly elated that I lost 6 lbs this week and my heart beats profusely at the thought of being under 200 lbs soon (for the first time since before I was 15!!!).

Keep on truckin'.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Impromptu List...

…of things I want to do before I die

1. Get to my goal weight
2. Run a marathon
3. Sky Dive
4. Complete a triathalon
5. Get a dog
6. Be debt free
7. Have a family
8. Make 6 figures
9. Shop at Bebe
10. Visit Korea

That is all.

(I'm sure there are more things that belong on this list, but this was all that came to mind at this moment.)

TMI

(Those of the faint of heart or grossed out easily, stop reading now.)

Day 5 of this new program and things are going well, according to my home scale I'm down to 204.5 lbs. Woohoo! That's just 2 lbs above my all time low. I expect to finally meet my first goal (getting into the 100's) by next week. That's so exciting and encouraging. Seeing the daily weight loss seriously helps me stay on track. So far, I've been following the diet EXACTLY (as far as I know).

As far as the TMI goes, today was my first bowel movement since Monday. EWW! I'm wondering if that's normal. Am I going less because I'm consuming less? I've been continuing to exercise and get about 100 oz of water daily, so I don't think it has anything to do with that. My fiber intake is high, so it seems that everything is in order. I don't know if I should be concerned about this or if this is just what naturally happens when you eat a ridiculously small amount of food each day.

Eh, I guess I'll just play it by ear...

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Worst is Over... or so they say...

The last week or so has been a whirlwind of chaos and big changes. Good changes, though.

So I mentioned that I was joining one of those weight management services, right? Well I did (and have forked out a ton of $$, dammit!) and am on my 3rd day so far. I decided to do this program because after years of trying to lose weight, I just couldn't make any headway on my own. I figured if I paid someone else to help me, they would be obligated to make sure I'm losing weight (i.e. put all their medical minds together to figure out what is wrong if I DON'T lose weight) and I would feel more inclined to stick to the diet exactly. I suspect that it's pretty pretty normal, but when I know that someone else is monitoring my weightloss and I have to weigh-in in front of them on a weekly basis, I stick to my diet EXACTLY because I don't want to seem like a failure and, in a weird way, I don't want to disappoint them (even though it's a complete stranger?!). I think that's why Weight Watchers meetings are so successful.

But, I digress.

Once I decided I was going to do this weight management program (Smart for Life - or just SFL hereafter), I did something that I haven't done in a LONG time. I totally pigged out and stuffed my face with any and everything in sight for like a week and a half. Wow, you would think after 10 straight weeks of eating right and exercising regularly that I would just keep doing what I'm doing and then transition right into the new program. No, I completely went off the bandwagon and started eating all the 'bad' things that I knew I wasn't going to be able to have on the SFL program. I had Chic-fil-A, restaruant burgers and fries, Einstein's bagels and schmear, korean food, chicken teriyaki (w/ white rice!!), pasta, appetizers, fajitas, brats, etc! Seriously, I went a little overboard. On top of that, I had given up sweets (cookies, cake, candy, etc) for Lent and decided that I was going to go to TOWN on sweets on Easter because SFL started the next day and I would not be allowed to have any sweets on the program. So yeah, I inhaled chocolate chip cookies and a brownie (for breakfast), 2 Reese's peanut butter eggs, apple pie a la mode AND I was going to have ice cream from Coldstone or Dairy Queen but they were CLOSED at 7pm on Easter Sunday. Bastardos!!

*sigh*

For my initial appointment to fill out paperwork, take blood, learn about the program and have my EKG done, I weighed in at 209 lbs (and 43.2% body fat!!!!!). For my second appointment, where I met with the doctor to go over the aforementioned paperwork, blood work and EKG, I weighed in at a nice 208 lbs (how is that possible since I was eating like complete shite?!). That second appointment was on a Thursday and I wasn't going to be starting the program until Monday (because I couldn't start until after I was able to gorge on sweets. Sad.), so I proceeded to pull out all the stops and eat like an oinker all weekend. Well, after the horrendous 4 day binge on crap food and sweets, I was ready to start the program so I decided to weigh-in at home to give myself a starting point. Umm, the scale said 215 lbs. OMG, I seriously gained 7 lbs in 4 days?? Does that tell you much about how shite I was eating those 4 days? I was NOT exaggerating when I said I went on a 4-day binge. I know some of it was water weight and some of it was just the sheer mass of food I had eaten that had not yet been 'eliminated' but, Good God, 7 lbs??

*double sigh*

That's really disappointing because I haven't had an episode like that for a LONG time. I've been trying so hard the last few years to lose weight, that it really began to turn into my lifestyle instead of a temporary weight loss program. I had begun to prefer healthier foods and had come to the epiphany that some of the junk food that I remember so fondly just don't really taste as good as I remember. I've been reading tons of books on health and nutrition and was actively trying to alter my diet to be more natural, whole and jam packed with the right vitamins and nutrients necessary for my body. I had cut out all sugar and 'white' carbs, tried to eliminate as many processed foods as possible, was trying to steer clear of artificial sweeteners (well basically anything aritificial), was cutting back on beef and pork as much as my hubby would tolerate, etc. These were all positive changes and it seems like I went into a craze and threw all that out the window.

Seriously, how does food have that kind of hold on me? I went ballistic with my eating, as if I was never going to be able to eat again. I never want to do that again.

As far as the SFL programs goes, I was STARVING the first day. My stomach was in a constant state of grumbling. I was in a bad mood and could not, for the life of me, figure out how anyone could stick to this diet for any extended period of time. I thought I was going to die from starvation! Any food I encountered smelled heavenly and I began craving things that I wouldn't normally crave. I think it was a mental thing, that since I knew I couldn't have anything, I wanted everything! Also, by the end of the day, the cookies started tasting gross to me (but I think that was a mental thing as well). I felt really tired and had no energy all that day. It was craziness, but I got through it.

Now, it's the beginning of day 3. The stomach grumblings have subsided and I don't feel like I'm starving all the time. I eat the cookie when I get hungry and it's because almost the easier thing to do than to have to find something to eat. Other foods are no longer tempting me and I'm seeing results on the scale. After Monday's depressing weigh-in, Tuesday showed a little more promise with a weigh-in of 211.5 lbs. Today, I am back at 208 lbs - nice! That means I'm moving into virgin weight loss territory. In all my years of dieting, the lowest I have ever gotten to was 202.5 lbs back when I was doing the Fat Smash Diet before my wedding. The immediate goal that I've been trying to reach for 2 years is to get under 200 lbs. The next milestone is getting to 196 lbs because that would make me merely 'overweight' and no longer 'obese'. Rock on!

My sister's wedding is in less than 3 months and I'd really like to be at about 180 lbs by then, but I'll take no longer being 'obese'. Hopefully I can stick to this diet perfectly and shed these pounds in the fastest way possible so I can end my years of suffering (forever being on a diet and never losing any weight!!). I have high hopes for this program and hope that my dreams come into fruition this year.

One day at a time...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Small Changes

So, as I've reiterated here a million times I'm sure, I was doing REALLY well with the dieting and exercise for the past 10 weeks or so. I wasn't seeing any loss, but I noticed that I've more or less changed my eating habits entirely. I no longer get as much enjoyment out of junk food as I used to. I had a burger Saturday night and was thoroughly disgusted with how greasy it was. OMG, dripping!! Also, I had pizza on Sunday night and decided after a few pieces that I would rather have eaten my homemade spaghetti and turkey meatballs. And, I didn't even have the smallest inclination to eat any of the wings my hubby got with the pizza (too much fatty skin - EW). It's the weirdest thing, but also a blessing. It seems like these days I would almost rather have something healthy, unless it's an old school favorite. I don't eat everything in sight just for the sake of eating it. I can pass up things that I just don't think taste all that great. I haven't really had any sweets since I gave them up for Lent. I feel like a changed woman!

That being said, I've been eating like utter SHITE for about the last week. It's purely an act of rebellion since I didn't lose weight doing things almost perfectly for so long, plus I'm starting that weight management program soon, so I thought I'd get in all my old favorites before I go back onto a strict regimen. I think I'm starting the program on Monday (pending the doc's approval), so that means I have only the day of Easter to shove as many sweets into my mouth as I can before I start the new program. That means I have to eat a Reese's peanut butter egg (only here for Easter!), ice cream, cookies (chocolate chip and oreo's are a must!) and maybe some sort of pastry or cake. LOL, I'm going to be in a sugar coma Sunday. I know this is not what a healthy person would do. I should just continue to not eat sweets and stick with the healthy eating, etc, but dammit - I have issues. Food issues, I know this. I wouldn't be where I was weight/health-wise if I didn't have food issues. I've gotten better, but I'll be the first to tell everyone that I am NOT PERFECT. Baby steps, ya'll.

It was kind of liberating finding that I just don't get the same 'high' from eating burgers, pizza, fried chicken, fries, etc, that I used to. Seriously, at one point I asked myself, 'Why did I like this so much?? It's not even THAT GOOD!' I mean, don't get me wrong, I still have my old favorites - white rice and pasta!! - but I think I've lost my taste for some of the other things. Yay me! I think starting this new program will just reinforce that fact and help me build up even better habits as far as eating smaller meals, getting in all my water and only eating when I'm hungry. I need to learn to listen to my body more. That's one thing I haven't been doing. Everyone says to eat every few hours, even if you aren't hungry, so that's what I've been doing. Maybe that wasn't the greatest idea...

So I feel UBER fat and bloated right now from all the CRAP I've been eating for the past week or so. I know I couldn't have gained more than a few lbs (at max), but I feel like I'm huge as a house. I should have my own zip code.

Can't wait to talk to doc tomorrow about my blood work and EKG, so I can get started on this new endeavor. It's going to be hard, but I can do it. I'm SERIOUSLY determined to get this damn weight off!!!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

A New Direction

So, I signed up for a Weight Management Center. You go for weekly weigh-ins, they tell you what to eat, they monitor your progress, etc. I think I just need to hand it over to someone else to deal with right now. It's expensive, but I think it's going to be worth it. I think the fact that it's so expensive and that I'll have to weigh-in with someone weekly will help me stay on this program EXACTLY. It's sort of my last resort since I've gone the last 10 weeks with a net loss of 1 lb even though I was doing everything pretty much perfectly. Seriously, I've been in the 'weight loss zone' for the past 10 weeks and haven't lost anything. It's so weird! I don't know what the FREAK is going on with my body. In addition to that, I've just not been able to lose weight for the past 2 years! It's about time I just tried something drastic.

I've put it off this long though because I really wanted to do it on my own - via my own research and dedication. When people asked me how I lost weight, I wanted to be able to tell them "eating right and exercising". Now, I'll have to say it was because of the weightloss center. That's such a bummer for me, but at this point I'm desperate. I'm so sick and tired of always being on a diet and never losing any weight. I want to be able to finally get there and enjoy my life, without this daily struggle looming over my head.

I really hope this works, but I just don't have my hopes up at this point. Nothing else has worked so far, so I'm not too convinced that this will either. BUT, on the off-chance that it does, I'm going into it full force and with all of the dedication I can muster. I don't really have too much of a problem with will power until weeks go by without any progress.

Here's hoping for better results in this new direction. =)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Hello?

Is anyone even reading this thing?

It's boring, I know. I'll try to spice it up once I'm done with my second job. =\

Never-ending Story

I feel like a broken record - "I'm doing everything right, I just can't lose weight!" That's been the story of my life for the past 2 years. Seriously, I'm eating super healthy (whole foods - fruits, veggies, lean proteins, whole wheat carbs, etc). I've even cut out sweets ENTIRELY. I haven't had a cookie, cake, ice cream or candy for a MONTH! For the past 6 weeks or so (or how ever long it was that I started going back to the gym), I've worked out at LEAST 4 times a week. I alternate higher intensity cardio with circuit weight lifting. I burn like 500 cals a day and eat to my calorie allotment that would have me losing 2 lbs a week, yet I've been GAINING!

I DON'T know what my problem is. I've been able to lose weight in the past - which is how I got the first 50 lbs off in the first place, but for the last 2 years, no matter how hard I try, I just CANNOT lose weight. Someone thought I might be allergic to wheat or gluten, so I'm going to try to cut that stuff out this week. Someone else recommended that I eat more calories because my RMR could be higher than I though and I could be 'starving' myself. Yet another person told me to make sure my workouts were intense and that I was getting my heart rate up and a sweat going on. I will try all these things in the last few weeks of this month, but if I still don't see sufficient weightloss, I am going to have to do something drastic.

Drastic meaning expensive. I'll either go see a sports medicine guy that can run a battery of tests on me and hook me up with a nutritionist and trainer for a nominal minimum fee of $600 or I'll join one of these weightloss programs and see if THEY can figure out what the heck is going on with me. I'm basically paying someone to figure out what's wrong with me or to set me up with something that works, since I can't seem to figure out this enigma myself. It SUCKS working so hard and thinking I'm doing SO WELL, just to see the scale go UP.

Also, I didn't take measurements in the beginning, but my clothes aren't fitting any better either. My pants are looser, I can go down to the next notch on my belt, I don't FEEL any thinner. On the contrary, I feel FAT! =\

The only good news I have to report is that I didn't gain any weight while I was away in San Francisco this weekend. That's actually a shocker because I splurged a little here and there and fully expected to gain AT LEAST one pound. Today, I weighed less than I did at last Thursday's weigh-in. Go figure.

I'll just keep on truckin', but someone HELP ME FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT! It's so frustrating...

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Weigh-in Day - Week 4

I don't have much time to post today, but I did want to report that I've had another gain this week! >=[ I'm up another half a pound! The first two weeks I lost 3.5 lbs, the last two weeks I've gained 1.5 of it back. Not cool, man!

I know there are countless numbers of different reasons as to why my weight has been going up the last week, but it doesn't make me feel any better dammit! I've been wallowing in this misery for the last two weeks. I haven't stopped though, so that's a good thing right? I'm still eating healthily (is that a word??) and working out on a regular basis. I want this to be more about health and fitness than the numbers on a scale.... but it's hard. =\

I'm off to San Fran this weekend, so not much hope for logging my food and getting in the same caliber of exercise. I will try to exercise my best judgement while I'm gone and will get right back on track when I return. That being said, I'm still going to enjoy myself... especially if I gain weight either way! >=[

LoL, have a great weekend folks! I will try to post a real post sometime next week!