Small Revelations

I've noticed a shift in my frame of mind concerning food these days. I think I have these little cookies to thank solely for that.

One thing I've noticed over this last week is that I NEVER crave foods anymore. Previously, if I was taking a break at work or bored at home, my mind would always wander to food and I would eventually end up getting a snack (via the vending machine or the pantry). Nowadays, I NEVER think of food (unprovoked). It just doesn’t cross my mind anymore. It's so weird! If I run across a picture of food online or a co-worker mentions a great new restaurant, I'll have a thought like 'That looks good' or 'I'll have to try that sometime', but I don't feel this intense need to eat it or something similar to it as soon as possible. That may be exaggerating a bit, but I had some serious food issues. It's very liberating not to be chained to food in that regard anymore. Is this how skinny people's brains work? Is this how my brain is SUPPOSED to work? You mean I'm not SUPPOSED to be OBSESSED with food 24/8? *gasp*

Also, back in the day when I got home from work, I would typically run straight to the kitchen in a mad dash to stuff my face with something/anything to 'tide me over' until dinner or to immediately start making dinner because I felt *famished*. It was a daily thing, get home from work and shove something into my face. Seriously, I wouldn't do anything else before that - change my clothes, check my email, turn on the tv - and I barely got my shoes off before making a bee-line to the kitchen. It almost felt frantic, like I HAD to eat something or I was going to go crazy. Now, I could care less what time I eat dinner (besides timing it according to when my last cookie was eaten, so I don't get too hungry) and don't feel so psycho about eating dinner, or eating anything for that matter. Does that make sense? I'm more casual and nonchalant about food in general. Getting hungry no longer seems like a disaster of epic proportion, like I will STARVE within minutes. It's just not that big of a deal anymore and I think it's the cookies that have done that. The cookies not only sustain me, but have seemed to have fixed the (obvious?) internal imbalance I had in regard to food. Argh, that imbalance has caused me such turmoil over the years! I'm in a much healthier place mentally with food and I like it.

So far, the only thing I struggle with is wanting food when I can see/smell it right in front of my face. I'll never sit here thinking I want chips, but if my hubby starts eating them in front of me - it makes me want to eat some just because they are there. Maybe it's the whole forbidden thing - you always want what you can't have, right? If people around me are doing drugs, smoking, drinking, I don't feel like I have to do it because (1) I think drugs are stupid and they could make me lose my job, (2) I HATE smoking and think it is SO disgusting!! and (3) I don't like the taste of any alcohol (I only drink it when I want to catch a buzz). That being said, sometimes I wish I could socially drink with friends because I'm young and, come on, it's fun to catch a buzz when you are out with friends. Sometimes I miss it, but it's been easy for me to cut it out of my diet entirely so far. I might start drinking socially occasionally when I'm closer to my goal weight because it's fun, but it's not enough fun for me to throw all my success (and $!!) out the window right now.

Nothing tastes better than thin feels, right?

OMG, I digress.

My point of that last paragraph was that it's easy to for me to abstain from things that I have no interest in when people are partaking in front of me, but food is a whole 'nother story. I LOVE FOOD. I love to cook it, I love to eat it, I love to read about it, I love to watch TV shows about it, I love everything about it. So when someone is eating something in front of me that looks good, smells good or is something I've never tried (but want to try!), my willpower comes crashing down. I think the smell gets me more than anything - if the food smells delish, my heart longs for it. I can't help it, I have issues with food, ok?? And this only applies when someone is eating something in front of me and all I have is cookies. If someone is eating something yummy in front of me and I'm eating my dinner (of lean protein and veggies), it usually isn't nearly as bad. I dunno, probably because my dinners are usually fairly yummy themselves. If I'm going to stay on this program, I have to make sure everything I'm eating tastes good, right?? Bah, you've figured out my strategy!! Eat good food within your limits to keep the program bearable.

Now, if I could just get my hubby to stop eating yummy stuff when I have nothing but cookies…

A girl can dream can't she?