I love to read!

Wow, this is turning out to NOT be the medium/vehicle I was hoping for as far as being accountable for my weightloss.

First of all, I can't access the blog from work, which is where I spend most of my time in front of a computer. Second, when I get home from work, I usually have a lot of things that need to get done (preparing, eating and cleaning up after dinner and preparing my lunch and gym bag for the next day) which means I really don't have much time to sit in front of a computer and write blog entries. Third, I don't really WANT to sit in front of the computer at home since I'm doing it all day at work and I'd like to use that time be more productive around the house or in other ways.

All that verbose-ness was just so I could justify why I haven't written in the blog as often and as in detail as I would have liked about my weight-loss journey so far. It's also an excuse in case I continue to not write much. (LOL)

Now that I have that off my chest, let me delve into other things. Since my crappy weigh-in on Monday, I've been doing exceptionally better. The first few days were a *bit* of a struggle having to re-break my addictions to that crappy stuff I had gotten my hands on, but now I’m golden. I'm back to eating what I'm supposed to be eating and I’m working out like a fiend. Now that I no longer have to work two jobs, I can get to bed early enough to wake up and go to the exercsies classes at my gym at the azz crack of dawn. I'm taking step and spin classes during the week and trying to make it to pilates and yoga on the weekend. I *try* to get to the gym 4-6 days a week, but that doesn't always happen and that's ok with me. We've gotta just try to do our best everyday, right? I'm expecting a good weigh-in this upcoming Tuesday! (yay!)

I've been reading a lot of 'health' books lately and they've really opened my eyes up to a lot of things. I'm trying to decide how I'm going to eat once I get off this Smart for Life regimen. There is so much information out there and a lot of it is contradictory, so you have to either take it with a grain of salt or make an education decision about what to believe. I think I've decided that I agree with the 'clean eating' thought process and plan to start trying to eat that way after SFL. It's just basically keeping your eating to the 'natural' things like fruits, veggies, lean proteins and whole grains. I'm sure this is common sense to everyone, but what defines 'natural'? Should I stick to strictly organic? Steer clear of 'low fat' or 'reduced fat' items? Shun 'enriched' or 'fortified' products? Eat only grass-fed beef? Free range chickens? Wild caught seafood?! I think it's clear that we should all avoid processed foods, but it's a grey area as far as how 'natural' you want to go. I’m still contemplating that factor of the diet. How feasible is it to go COMPLETELY natural? I’m going to keep reading and hopefully get to a point where I can make a real decision by the time I'm done with SFL.

More than weight-loss, I'm concerned about my health and the environment (including humane treatment of animals) now. It's just a damn shame how corrupt the food and drug industries are and what they'll do (or overlook) for the sake of making a buck.

Another aspect I've been reading more about is your way of thinking/energy. For example, if you are a negative person, your health will be affected negatively. Positive thought encourages positive experiences in your life. Now, on top of losing weight/being healthy, I'm trying to become a more positive person. Get rid of all that negativity and improve your life. That is turning out to be harder than I expected though because I just don't spend that much time thinking about how I'm thinking. LOL. Baby steps.

Becoming a better version of yourself is a complicated and tedious jorney, but it's a labor of love. =)

SFL Weigh-In 5

Nothing good to report today. I kinda went off the deep end this week with the snacking and totally ended up GAINING weight today. I guess it didn't help that I had also done a 1 hour step class, sat in the sauna for 15 minutes, had 2 cookies, 3 oz of lunch meat and 40 oz of water before I went to weigh-in. =\ Oh well, you live and you learn and I’m not trippin' over it. Today is a new day and I've got my eye back on the prize! The next few days are going to suck though as I re-break my addictions to refined carbs/junk food. *le sigh* Why does this weight loss stuff have to be so hard??

Only about 7 weeks until I go home for my sister's wedding. Must lose at least 15 more lbs before then. MUST!

Ta Ta!

SFL Recap of Month 1 (and weigh-in 4)

So this morning was my 1 month anniversary (if you will) of being on the SFL plan and so I had to meet with the doc. She went over my progress and asked me all kinds of questions to make sure everything was going well. This week I lost another 3 lbs, which brings me to 15 lbs lost total since my first weigh-in at SFL. 15 lbs in 1 month! That's so insane!! Also, I've dropped 3% body fat in that month. Rock on! This success has given me renewed vigor to stay on the plan and follow the diet exactly.

That being said, last week was not a good week 'diet-wise'. It was actually the first time since I started SFL that I actually 'cheated'. As I may have mentioned before, I work as a seasonal tax preparer at H&R Block during tax season. Well, on April 15th we were SO BUSY that we didn't even have time to stop and eat dinner. My office manager had forseen this and was kind enough to buy a veggie tray and some toasted wheat thins. So that night my dinner consisted of handfuls of veggies + ranch dip and toasted veggie wheat thins. I ate more than I should have and I think it sent me sort of into a carb-craving tailspin. I guess it didn't help that Aunt Flo had just arrived also. Over the course of the next week or so, I ate bites of my hubby's cereal, a whole wheat banana crumb muffin, rosemary pita chips + hummus, organic cookies sampled from Whole Foods, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on honey wheat bread and some other things I have surely forgotten by now. I, by no means, went way overboard into a full out binge, but I fell off the bandwagon nonetheless.

I'm back in full force now and am rededicating myself to this program. I'm looking for another 15+lbs in the next month. The doc said today that I should be at my goal in another 3 or 4 months. 3 or 4 MONTHS?! That is so insane because it sounds so SOON. I've been struggling with my weight my ENTIRE LIFE and I *might* actually be at my GOAL WEIGHT in 3 or 4 short months? I can't even fathom that.

My jeans that were previously super tight on my azz are now fairly baggy. I think the shopping is going to be necessary a bit sooner than I had hoped. Oh well, it's good and it's bad. Hopefully I can shop at 'normal' stores now instead of the 'fat' stores. =) I think I've gone down a size and am in serious need of cleaning out my closet of clothes that no longer fit! New wardrobe - here I come!

My mom and nephew are planning to come out and visit me around Memorial Day. Wouldn't it be awesome to have dropped another 15 lbs by then and surprise the HEX out of my mom? She's never seen me this thin in my entire teenage/adult life. Crazy! Then I hope to take off another 10 lbs or so by my sister's wedding and shock the pants off the rest of the fam.

I refuse to be known any longer as the 'fat' girl in the family.

Is it completely vain to want to do a big reveal with my old friends from back home too? I MUST acquire a rockin' outfit!!

SFL Weigh-in 4

Today I clocked in at 196.8 with all my clothes on, so that means I'm down another 2 lbs. That is an awesome loss, but I'm a little disappointed because it should have been more. I know it should have been more because I know that I've been slacking a bit with my portion control this week. I haven't been weighing my portions like I should and last night I ate too much chicken with dinner. That is the first time in the whole course of the diet that I actually knowingly 'cheated' on the diet. Granted, I just ate a little more of what I was supposed to, but the fact of the matter is that I knew I was eating too much and I didn't stop. Anyways, it showed up on the scale this week, so I'm going to try much harder this week to be more strict. No more slacking!

Also, it's TOM, so I'm sure that accounted for some weight retention.

No matter, I'm going to try my best this week and hopefully see something more to my liking next week when I see the doc for my 1 month check-up. =)

Oh, so I just realized that if I lose 0.8 more lbs, that I will no longer be considered 'obese', just 'overweight'. NICE! Can't wait for next week's weigh-in!!

Also, my second job is finito after tomorrow night so I should be able to post more often and with more substance. Not that anyone is reading…

ciao

More Fun Observations

I dunno if I'm mentioned this before, but I prepare taxes as a second job a few months out of the year. Right now we are in the midst of the crazy final crunch time before it is all over until next year and I'm working hella hours. I have to work every weekday and even all day Saturday during this end-of-season rush, which means I have to wear dress clothes/shoes everyday. This is only something to be pointed out because at my regular 9-to-5 job I don't have to dress up, so it's out of the norm for me to dress like this daily. Anyways, I've noticed that a lot of my dress slacks/skirts don't fit anymore!

How can a measley 10 lb loss do this, you ask? Well, since I've been continually trying to lose weight for the past several years, I've slowly but surely been going down in size. When I break down and buy something expensive, I try to wear it until it looks completely ridiculous on me. That means for this whole winter (beginning part of tax season), I've been wearing size 18 dress slacks that were on the verge of being too big because I was too cheap to buy new ones in a size 16. They were a tad big, but didn't fall off my hips so they stayed in rotation. The newly achieved 10 lb loss has made those slacks completely unwearable - they will not stay up to save my life. The skirt I'm wearing today is being held on with pins! I just need to hold out until next Tuesday and then I won't need to wear dress clothes again until next year. That will give me enough time to save money to restock those items - business attire is expensive!

(Note: I don’t necessarily have that problem with my casual clothes because they are all made out of cotton or elastic type material, so they shrink in the wash. That means I can shrink them down and then stretch them out to my new smaller size when I put them on. =) Most of my dress clothes do not have that elasticity so once they are too big, my only option is to buy new ones or have them altered (which I found out is almost as expensive as buying new ones!!).)

So, the point I was trying to get to with all the above verbose-ness is that I'm actually shrinking because the non-stretchy clothes do not fit anymore! Yay! It's hard for me to look in the mirror and see the progress, but I can definitely gauge it by how my clothes are fitting (or not fitting!).

Also, I LURVE heels, but the cutest ones always hurt my feet. I love the ones with the highest heels the most, but they tear my poor feet right up everytime. I love them so much that I will torture my feet by wearing them even though I know my feet will suffer the consequences the next day (or few days!). Even with just the 10 lb loss, I've noticed that my feet do not hurt as much when I wear heels (which I've been wearing all week and most of last week). I used to bring flip flops to my first job because wearing the heels all day was just too much for my feet, but now I can wear the heels all day without being in agony. Shoes that used to give me blisters, no longer bother me like they once did. Woot! Stilettos here I come!!!

A not-so-fun observation is that I feel like I'm cold ALL THE TIME. I don’t know if it's the weight-loss or just a general freeze going on at my job, but I never used to get cold very often. I guess I’m losing all my insulation. LOL!

Make it a great day everyone!

SFL Weigh-in 3

Start Weight (Weigh-in 1): 208 lbs
Weigh-in 2: 202 lbs

Weigh-in 3: 198.8 lbs (with all of my clothes and jewelry on!)

OMFG, did I ACTUALLY finally make it into the 100's?!?! That's craziness! I've been trying for 2 years to get here and I can't believe I'm finally in ONE-derland! This diet has changed my life the last 2 weeks. I really have no problem sticking with the program and each day seems to get easier and easier. The flavors of the cookies are fine, I'm drinking all my water, everything is hunky dory. Thank goodness I decided to give this program a try. =)

Day 7 without diet soda and I'm going strong. Wow, I'm on a roll. How did I find this new determination? How did I get so motivated this year? I'm not sure where all this inner strength came from, but I'm not going to question it. Im going to ride it out as long as I can!

Today is a GREAT day, people!!

2.8 more lbs and I will no longer be considered 'obese', just 'overweight'. OMG, second milestone!

Little Victories!

It's the little victories that pull at my heart strings. Today, I put on my jeans (fresh out of the dryer) and noticed that I had a MUCH less prominent muffin top (dare I say, almost NONE at all?!). Oh the joy! That totally made my day. =) Also, a button up shirt that is normally tight fits perfectly today. I'm bursting with joy at the thought of what more is to come with my diligence.

Did I mention here that I'm giving up sodas for the month of April? My train of thought is this - I can give anything up for just a month, right? I gave up all sweets for Lent and am still not eating any. Score! Now, I will attempt to give up diet sodas (don't drink regular sodas) this month. I don't have them often, maybe just one every 2 or 3 days, but I want to completely cut them out. It's for various reasons, but mostly because (1) I hear that artificial sweeteners are bad for your health, (2) I hear that artificial sweeteners can stall your weightloss/cause you to gain weight and (3) I'm slowly but surely trying to cut everything unnatural/unhealthy out of my diet. Who needs 'em anyways? Well, I thought I did for the occasional caffeine boost, but I guess I'll just have to make sure I get my requisite 8 hours of shut eye eh?

Day 1 of the diet soda revolution and I'm not missing them too much. =\

It's been a good day and now it's cookie time! *munch munch munch*

Small Revelations

I've noticed a shift in my frame of mind concerning food these days. I think I have these little cookies to thank solely for that.

One thing I've noticed over this last week is that I NEVER crave foods anymore. Previously, if I was taking a break at work or bored at home, my mind would always wander to food and I would eventually end up getting a snack (via the vending machine or the pantry). Nowadays, I NEVER think of food (unprovoked). It just doesn’t cross my mind anymore. It's so weird! If I run across a picture of food online or a co-worker mentions a great new restaurant, I'll have a thought like 'That looks good' or 'I'll have to try that sometime', but I don't feel this intense need to eat it or something similar to it as soon as possible. That may be exaggerating a bit, but I had some serious food issues. It's very liberating not to be chained to food in that regard anymore. Is this how skinny people's brains work? Is this how my brain is SUPPOSED to work? You mean I'm not SUPPOSED to be OBSESSED with food 24/8? *gasp*

Also, back in the day when I got home from work, I would typically run straight to the kitchen in a mad dash to stuff my face with something/anything to 'tide me over' until dinner or to immediately start making dinner because I felt *famished*. It was a daily thing, get home from work and shove something into my face. Seriously, I wouldn't do anything else before that - change my clothes, check my email, turn on the tv - and I barely got my shoes off before making a bee-line to the kitchen. It almost felt frantic, like I HAD to eat something or I was going to go crazy. Now, I could care less what time I eat dinner (besides timing it according to when my last cookie was eaten, so I don't get too hungry) and don't feel so psycho about eating dinner, or eating anything for that matter. Does that make sense? I'm more casual and nonchalant about food in general. Getting hungry no longer seems like a disaster of epic proportion, like I will STARVE within minutes. It's just not that big of a deal anymore and I think it's the cookies that have done that. The cookies not only sustain me, but have seemed to have fixed the (obvious?) internal imbalance I had in regard to food. Argh, that imbalance has caused me such turmoil over the years! I'm in a much healthier place mentally with food and I like it.

So far, the only thing I struggle with is wanting food when I can see/smell it right in front of my face. I'll never sit here thinking I want chips, but if my hubby starts eating them in front of me - it makes me want to eat some just because they are there. Maybe it's the whole forbidden thing - you always want what you can't have, right? If people around me are doing drugs, smoking, drinking, I don't feel like I have to do it because (1) I think drugs are stupid and they could make me lose my job, (2) I HATE smoking and think it is SO disgusting!! and (3) I don't like the taste of any alcohol (I only drink it when I want to catch a buzz). That being said, sometimes I wish I could socially drink with friends because I'm young and, come on, it's fun to catch a buzz when you are out with friends. Sometimes I miss it, but it's been easy for me to cut it out of my diet entirely so far. I might start drinking socially occasionally when I'm closer to my goal weight because it's fun, but it's not enough fun for me to throw all my success (and $!!) out the window right now.

Nothing tastes better than thin feels, right?

OMG, I digress.

My point of that last paragraph was that it's easy to for me to abstain from things that I have no interest in when people are partaking in front of me, but food is a whole 'nother story. I LOVE FOOD. I love to cook it, I love to eat it, I love to read about it, I love to watch TV shows about it, I love everything about it. So when someone is eating something in front of me that looks good, smells good or is something I've never tried (but want to try!), my willpower comes crashing down. I think the smell gets me more than anything - if the food smells delish, my heart longs for it. I can't help it, I have issues with food, ok?? And this only applies when someone is eating something in front of me and all I have is cookies. If someone is eating something yummy in front of me and I'm eating my dinner (of lean protein and veggies), it usually isn't nearly as bad. I dunno, probably because my dinners are usually fairly yummy themselves. If I'm going to stay on this program, I have to make sure everything I'm eating tastes good, right?? Bah, you've figured out my strategy!! Eat good food within your limits to keep the program bearable.

Now, if I could just get my hubby to stop eating yummy stuff when I have nothing but cookies…

A girl can dream can't she?

Do Over! SFL Weigh-in (Week 1)

My starting weight at the Smart for Life center was 208 lbs. That was a Thursday ago (3/20) and I went in today for my first official weigh-in. I got on the scale, not knowing what to expect, and BAM 202 lbs. That means I lost 6 lbs in a week people! That's so crazy. I mean, I know some of it is water weight and some of it might even be muscle loss (I forgot to look at the body fat percentage), but I'll take what I can get baby!

The first week was HARD! Well, the first few days to be more exact. I felt like I was starving and I just couldn't fathom how anyone could stick to this diet, but I wasn't about to throw all the $ I spent away without giving it a fair shot. I'm glad I stuck with it because after the first few days, it got much easier. I was all smiles until the weekend came and my hubby just kept eating all this yummy stuff in front of me while I was stuck eating cookies or my strict dinner of lean protein and veggies. *sigh* Nothing comes without sacrifice eh? I almost caved on a CAESAR salad my hubby was having last night though. Yeah, you read that right, a CAESAR salad. How does someone cave on a diet with SALAD?? Anyways, I can't have it because of the croutons, dressing and cheeeese, but it just looked so good compared to my plain spinach salad and stuffed peppers. I guess it didn't help that I wasn't very impressed with the stuffed peppers. I always find myself craving something that I know tastes *good* after I've eaten something that disappoints my palate.

I have to commend my hubby for helping me stay in line this weekend. Sunday, just about everything he ate made me want to quit this darned diet, but he quickly reminded me how much I want to lose weight and how close I was to meeting my first milestone (getting under 200 lbs!!). That really helped me stay on track. Now, if I could just get him to quit eating all that yummy food right in front of my face…

And as far as that TMI posts goes, I'm feeling much more regular these days. =D

Last week when I went in to get my first batch of cookies, they were all out of the good flavors. Today when I went, they had all the good flavors so I stocked up on them and, boy, am I glad I did. They taste SO much better than the other flavors, so that should help me stay on track this week. No more of that stuffed bell pepper recipe either! Only the best for me… or else I'll never be able to stay on this restrictive diet.

Anyways, here's to another week of success! I'm utterly elated that I lost 6 lbs this week and my heart beats profusely at the thought of being under 200 lbs soon (for the first time since before I was 15!!!).

Keep on truckin'.

Impromptu List...

…of things I want to do before I die

1. Get to my goal weight
2. Run a marathon
3. Sky Dive
4. Complete a triathalon
5. Get a dog
6. Be debt free
7. Have a family
8. Make 6 figures
9. Shop at Bebe
10. Visit Korea

That is all.

(I'm sure there are more things that belong on this list, but this was all that came to mind at this moment.)

TMI

(Those of the faint of heart or grossed out easily, stop reading now.)

Day 5 of this new program and things are going well, according to my home scale I'm down to 204.5 lbs. Woohoo! That's just 2 lbs above my all time low. I expect to finally meet my first goal (getting into the 100's) by next week. That's so exciting and encouraging. Seeing the daily weight loss seriously helps me stay on track. So far, I've been following the diet EXACTLY (as far as I know).

As far as the TMI goes, today was my first bowel movement since Monday. EWW! I'm wondering if that's normal. Am I going less because I'm consuming less? I've been continuing to exercise and get about 100 oz of water daily, so I don't think it has anything to do with that. My fiber intake is high, so it seems that everything is in order. I don't know if I should be concerned about this or if this is just what naturally happens when you eat a ridiculously small amount of food each day.

Eh, I guess I'll just play it by ear...

The Worst is Over... or so they say...

The last week or so has been a whirlwind of chaos and big changes. Good changes, though.

So I mentioned that I was joining one of those weight management services, right? Well I did (and have forked out a ton of $$, dammit!) and am on my 3rd day so far. I decided to do this program because after years of trying to lose weight, I just couldn't make any headway on my own. I figured if I paid someone else to help me, they would be obligated to make sure I'm losing weight (i.e. put all their medical minds together to figure out what is wrong if I DON'T lose weight) and I would feel more inclined to stick to the diet exactly. I suspect that it's pretty pretty normal, but when I know that someone else is monitoring my weightloss and I have to weigh-in in front of them on a weekly basis, I stick to my diet EXACTLY because I don't want to seem like a failure and, in a weird way, I don't want to disappoint them (even though it's a complete stranger?!). I think that's why Weight Watchers meetings are so successful.

But, I digress.

Once I decided I was going to do this weight management program (Smart for Life - or just SFL hereafter), I did something that I haven't done in a LONG time. I totally pigged out and stuffed my face with any and everything in sight for like a week and a half. Wow, you would think after 10 straight weeks of eating right and exercising regularly that I would just keep doing what I'm doing and then transition right into the new program. No, I completely went off the bandwagon and started eating all the 'bad' things that I knew I wasn't going to be able to have on the SFL program. I had Chic-fil-A, restaruant burgers and fries, Einstein's bagels and schmear, korean food, chicken teriyaki (w/ white rice!!), pasta, appetizers, fajitas, brats, etc! Seriously, I went a little overboard. On top of that, I had given up sweets (cookies, cake, candy, etc) for Lent and decided that I was going to go to TOWN on sweets on Easter because SFL started the next day and I would not be allowed to have any sweets on the program. So yeah, I inhaled chocolate chip cookies and a brownie (for breakfast), 2 Reese's peanut butter eggs, apple pie a la mode AND I was going to have ice cream from Coldstone or Dairy Queen but they were CLOSED at 7pm on Easter Sunday. Bastardos!!

*sigh*

For my initial appointment to fill out paperwork, take blood, learn about the program and have my EKG done, I weighed in at 209 lbs (and 43.2% body fat!!!!!). For my second appointment, where I met with the doctor to go over the aforementioned paperwork, blood work and EKG, I weighed in at a nice 208 lbs (how is that possible since I was eating like complete shite?!). That second appointment was on a Thursday and I wasn't going to be starting the program until Monday (because I couldn't start until after I was able to gorge on sweets. Sad.), so I proceeded to pull out all the stops and eat like an oinker all weekend. Well, after the horrendous 4 day binge on crap food and sweets, I was ready to start the program so I decided to weigh-in at home to give myself a starting point. Umm, the scale said 215 lbs. OMG, I seriously gained 7 lbs in 4 days?? Does that tell you much about how shite I was eating those 4 days? I was NOT exaggerating when I said I went on a 4-day binge. I know some of it was water weight and some of it was just the sheer mass of food I had eaten that had not yet been 'eliminated' but, Good God, 7 lbs??

*double sigh*

That's really disappointing because I haven't had an episode like that for a LONG time. I've been trying so hard the last few years to lose weight, that it really began to turn into my lifestyle instead of a temporary weight loss program. I had begun to prefer healthier foods and had come to the epiphany that some of the junk food that I remember so fondly just don't really taste as good as I remember. I've been reading tons of books on health and nutrition and was actively trying to alter my diet to be more natural, whole and jam packed with the right vitamins and nutrients necessary for my body. I had cut out all sugar and 'white' carbs, tried to eliminate as many processed foods as possible, was trying to steer clear of artificial sweeteners (well basically anything aritificial), was cutting back on beef and pork as much as my hubby would tolerate, etc. These were all positive changes and it seems like I went into a craze and threw all that out the window.

Seriously, how does food have that kind of hold on me? I went ballistic with my eating, as if I was never going to be able to eat again. I never want to do that again.

As far as the SFL programs goes, I was STARVING the first day. My stomach was in a constant state of grumbling. I was in a bad mood and could not, for the life of me, figure out how anyone could stick to this diet for any extended period of time. I thought I was going to die from starvation! Any food I encountered smelled heavenly and I began craving things that I wouldn't normally crave. I think it was a mental thing, that since I knew I couldn't have anything, I wanted everything! Also, by the end of the day, the cookies started tasting gross to me (but I think that was a mental thing as well). I felt really tired and had no energy all that day. It was craziness, but I got through it.

Now, it's the beginning of day 3. The stomach grumblings have subsided and I don't feel like I'm starving all the time. I eat the cookie when I get hungry and it's because almost the easier thing to do than to have to find something to eat. Other foods are no longer tempting me and I'm seeing results on the scale. After Monday's depressing weigh-in, Tuesday showed a little more promise with a weigh-in of 211.5 lbs. Today, I am back at 208 lbs - nice! That means I'm moving into virgin weight loss territory. In all my years of dieting, the lowest I have ever gotten to was 202.5 lbs back when I was doing the Fat Smash Diet before my wedding. The immediate goal that I've been trying to reach for 2 years is to get under 200 lbs. The next milestone is getting to 196 lbs because that would make me merely 'overweight' and no longer 'obese'. Rock on!

My sister's wedding is in less than 3 months and I'd really like to be at about 180 lbs by then, but I'll take no longer being 'obese'. Hopefully I can stick to this diet perfectly and shed these pounds in the fastest way possible so I can end my years of suffering (forever being on a diet and never losing any weight!!). I have high hopes for this program and hope that my dreams come into fruition this year.

One day at a time...

Small Changes

So, as I've reiterated here a million times I'm sure, I was doing REALLY well with the dieting and exercise for the past 10 weeks or so. I wasn't seeing any loss, but I noticed that I've more or less changed my eating habits entirely. I no longer get as much enjoyment out of junk food as I used to. I had a burger Saturday night and was thoroughly disgusted with how greasy it was. OMG, dripping!! Also, I had pizza on Sunday night and decided after a few pieces that I would rather have eaten my homemade spaghetti and turkey meatballs. And, I didn't even have the smallest inclination to eat any of the wings my hubby got with the pizza (too much fatty skin - EW). It's the weirdest thing, but also a blessing. It seems like these days I would almost rather have something healthy, unless it's an old school favorite. I don't eat everything in sight just for the sake of eating it. I can pass up things that I just don't think taste all that great. I haven't really had any sweets since I gave them up for Lent. I feel like a changed woman!

That being said, I've been eating like utter SHITE for about the last week. It's purely an act of rebellion since I didn't lose weight doing things almost perfectly for so long, plus I'm starting that weight management program soon, so I thought I'd get in all my old favorites before I go back onto a strict regimen. I think I'm starting the program on Monday (pending the doc's approval), so that means I have only the day of Easter to shove as many sweets into my mouth as I can before I start the new program. That means I have to eat a Reese's peanut butter egg (only here for Easter!), ice cream, cookies (chocolate chip and oreo's are a must!) and maybe some sort of pastry or cake. LOL, I'm going to be in a sugar coma Sunday. I know this is not what a healthy person would do. I should just continue to not eat sweets and stick with the healthy eating, etc, but dammit - I have issues. Food issues, I know this. I wouldn't be where I was weight/health-wise if I didn't have food issues. I've gotten better, but I'll be the first to tell everyone that I am NOT PERFECT. Baby steps, ya'll.

It was kind of liberating finding that I just don't get the same 'high' from eating burgers, pizza, fried chicken, fries, etc, that I used to. Seriously, at one point I asked myself, 'Why did I like this so much?? It's not even THAT GOOD!' I mean, don't get me wrong, I still have my old favorites - white rice and pasta!! - but I think I've lost my taste for some of the other things. Yay me! I think starting this new program will just reinforce that fact and help me build up even better habits as far as eating smaller meals, getting in all my water and only eating when I'm hungry. I need to learn to listen to my body more. That's one thing I haven't been doing. Everyone says to eat every few hours, even if you aren't hungry, so that's what I've been doing. Maybe that wasn't the greatest idea...

So I feel UBER fat and bloated right now from all the CRAP I've been eating for the past week or so. I know I couldn't have gained more than a few lbs (at max), but I feel like I'm huge as a house. I should have my own zip code.

Can't wait to talk to doc tomorrow about my blood work and EKG, so I can get started on this new endeavor. It's going to be hard, but I can do it. I'm SERIOUSLY determined to get this damn weight off!!!

A New Direction

So, I signed up for a Weight Management Center. You go for weekly weigh-ins, they tell you what to eat, they monitor your progress, etc. I think I just need to hand it over to someone else to deal with right now. It's expensive, but I think it's going to be worth it. I think the fact that it's so expensive and that I'll have to weigh-in with someone weekly will help me stay on this program EXACTLY. It's sort of my last resort since I've gone the last 10 weeks with a net loss of 1 lb even though I was doing everything pretty much perfectly. Seriously, I've been in the 'weight loss zone' for the past 10 weeks and haven't lost anything. It's so weird! I don't know what the FREAK is going on with my body. In addition to that, I've just not been able to lose weight for the past 2 years! It's about time I just tried something drastic.

I've put it off this long though because I really wanted to do it on my own - via my own research and dedication. When people asked me how I lost weight, I wanted to be able to tell them "eating right and exercising". Now, I'll have to say it was because of the weightloss center. That's such a bummer for me, but at this point I'm desperate. I'm so sick and tired of always being on a diet and never losing any weight. I want to be able to finally get there and enjoy my life, without this daily struggle looming over my head.

I really hope this works, but I just don't have my hopes up at this point. Nothing else has worked so far, so I'm not too convinced that this will either. BUT, on the off-chance that it does, I'm going into it full force and with all of the dedication I can muster. I don't really have too much of a problem with will power until weeks go by without any progress.

Here's hoping for better results in this new direction. =)

Hello?

Is anyone even reading this thing?

It's boring, I know. I'll try to spice it up once I'm done with my second job. =\

Never-ending Story

I feel like a broken record - "I'm doing everything right, I just can't lose weight!" That's been the story of my life for the past 2 years. Seriously, I'm eating super healthy (whole foods - fruits, veggies, lean proteins, whole wheat carbs, etc). I've even cut out sweets ENTIRELY. I haven't had a cookie, cake, ice cream or candy for a MONTH! For the past 6 weeks or so (or how ever long it was that I started going back to the gym), I've worked out at LEAST 4 times a week. I alternate higher intensity cardio with circuit weight lifting. I burn like 500 cals a day and eat to my calorie allotment that would have me losing 2 lbs a week, yet I've been GAINING!

I DON'T know what my problem is. I've been able to lose weight in the past - which is how I got the first 50 lbs off in the first place, but for the last 2 years, no matter how hard I try, I just CANNOT lose weight. Someone thought I might be allergic to wheat or gluten, so I'm going to try to cut that stuff out this week. Someone else recommended that I eat more calories because my RMR could be higher than I though and I could be 'starving' myself. Yet another person told me to make sure my workouts were intense and that I was getting my heart rate up and a sweat going on. I will try all these things in the last few weeks of this month, but if I still don't see sufficient weightloss, I am going to have to do something drastic.

Drastic meaning expensive. I'll either go see a sports medicine guy that can run a battery of tests on me and hook me up with a nutritionist and trainer for a nominal minimum fee of $600 or I'll join one of these weightloss programs and see if THEY can figure out what the heck is going on with me. I'm basically paying someone to figure out what's wrong with me or to set me up with something that works, since I can't seem to figure out this enigma myself. It SUCKS working so hard and thinking I'm doing SO WELL, just to see the scale go UP.

Also, I didn't take measurements in the beginning, but my clothes aren't fitting any better either. My pants are looser, I can go down to the next notch on my belt, I don't FEEL any thinner. On the contrary, I feel FAT! =\

The only good news I have to report is that I didn't gain any weight while I was away in San Francisco this weekend. That's actually a shocker because I splurged a little here and there and fully expected to gain AT LEAST one pound. Today, I weighed less than I did at last Thursday's weigh-in. Go figure.

I'll just keep on truckin', but someone HELP ME FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT! It's so frustrating...

Weigh-in Day - Week 4

I don't have much time to post today, but I did want to report that I've had another gain this week! >=[ I'm up another half a pound! The first two weeks I lost 3.5 lbs, the last two weeks I've gained 1.5 of it back. Not cool, man!

I know there are countless numbers of different reasons as to why my weight has been going up the last week, but it doesn't make me feel any better dammit! I've been wallowing in this misery for the last two weeks. I haven't stopped though, so that's a good thing right? I'm still eating healthily (is that a word??) and working out on a regular basis. I want this to be more about health and fitness than the numbers on a scale.... but it's hard. =\

I'm off to San Fran this weekend, so not much hope for logging my food and getting in the same caliber of exercise. I will try to exercise my best judgement while I'm gone and will get right back on track when I return. That being said, I'm still going to enjoy myself... especially if I gain weight either way! >=[

LoL, have a great weekend folks! I will try to post a real post sometime next week!

Weigh-in Day - Week 3

Today has been a really bad day. To start off with, I was DEAD tired when I woke up this morning because I had a long day at my regular job and then had to put in some hours at my second job. I didn't want to get up this morning, but I dragged my butt up anyways. For what?

To see a 1 pound GAIN on the scale this morning.

Yes, I am 209 lbs today. I thought that fluke gain was going to disappear by today, but alas, it is still there. That means I really gained it huh? I just don't know how that's possible. I was on track to lose weight this week by all my calculations. *le sigh* That really did a number on my mood this morning. I didn't feel like going to the gym after that, but I forced myself to go anyways (I was already up right?). When I got to the gym, I just couldn't get into working out, but I thought if I just made myself start I'd get into it once I started going. Well, after a quick warm-up, I proceeded to pull my left groin muslce on the VERY FIRST REP OF MY VERY FIRST EXERCISE. WTF, man. That means I didn't get as hard of a workout in as I would have liked, which put me in MORE of a crappy mood.

It just seems like everyone else around me is doing so well and no matter how hard I try, I can never get a leg up on this weightloss thing. It seems like all the odds are stacked up against me and I'm just setting myself up for failure. I knew this was going to be an uphill battle, but geez, how am I taking 2 steps backwards ALREADY. It's only the third week for cripes sake. Sometimes, it just doesn't seem worth it. Why get up at the ass crack of dawn to force myself to exercise and then deprive myself of yummy foods, when I don't lose weight either way. Why not just eat what you want and not lose weight?

I suck at dieting!

R.I.P.

After 4 years of loyal and dedicated work, I think my iPod is officially DEAD. It just won't hold a charge anymore. I charged it all weekend on our iHome stereo thingy, but it died 15 minutes into my run this morning. Running SUX BALLS when you have no music to motivate you. I don't even know how I made it through the run, but I can tell you right now that I never want to do that again. Looks like I'll have to hijack my hubby's iPod until mine either gets fixed or I decide to get a new one. It last pretty long considering how much I use it and how rough I am with it. It's been with me through a lot and I will sorely miss it. Maybe I should get the iPod Touch, tha would rock my socks off!

So R.I.P. iPod Mini, you will be sorely missed. *sniff sniff*

Trying to stay above water...

For some reason, today was a REALLY hard today. It started off on the wrong foot because I didn't make it to the gym. Man, it seems like I can never get all my shit done over the weekend, so things spill over into Mondays. I didn't get all my laundry done, so I had to scramble for clothes to wear (to the gym and to work) and then I forgot that I totally needed to go into work early today to make up some time since I'm going on vacation next week. I had my gym bag packed and everything, but had to ditch it at the last minute to go to work. =\

That's where it all started, but that's no where near the end. For breakfast, I just couldn't bring myself to have my protein shake and banana. I think not going to the gym just threw me off my routine. I decided to do something quick and tasty and have some of my hubby's cereal. I got to work and logged that breakfast - 615 calories! OMG OMG OMG, granted it was a BIG bowl of cereal, but 615 calories? That's like half my allotment for the day!

I skipped my morning snack to try to make up for that, but started getting SO HELLACIOUSLY hungry by lunchtime that I thought I was going to pass out. Seriously, my body has issues with sugar and carbs I think. How did that HUGE bowl of cereal not tide me over for more than 3 hours? I could have eaten a tiny bowl of oatmeal and had it tide me over longer than that bowl of cereal. That just goes to show you how quickly sugar affects your blood sugar and how little it does for your appetite.

Lunch was on point, but then all afternoon I was just dreaming about food. I was craving all kinds of things that would not normally cross my mind - chips, fast food, candy, cookies, etc. I don't know WHAT got into me (maybe lingering affects from the sugary breakfast cereal?), but I just could not get those cravings out of my head. They were driving me crazy!

I had to work my second job tonight, so I had to eat dinner on the go. I brought a grilled chicken wrap, but planned on forgoing it for a protein shake to try to salvage some calories from my horrendous breakfast that morning. By the time 5 o'clock rolled around, I was STARVING again. I just couldn't imagine that the protein shake would hold me over, so I went for the wrap. Disappointingly, the wrap just did not hit the spot and it just didn't taste all that great to me in general. I should have just had the protein shake dammit! When I eat something that disappoints me, then it's almost as if I haven't eaten anything at all. Like, if I went to Taco Bell and ordered a burrito that tasted like crap to me, I would not be satisfied until I went back and ordered something I knew tasted good, like a Mexican Pizza or something (even though I wasn't even hungry). Yeah, I'm weird like that. SO, after eating that wrap, I was still 'hungry' and wanting to eat something ALL night because my dinner was so disappointing.

When I got home, I just could NOT take it anymore and dove into the baked cheetos. That didn't really hit the spot, so I tried eating some grits (to fill me up on LOW cals). Um yeah, as you probalby could have guessed, that didn't hit the spot either. I finally broke down and had a sugar free pudding to satiate the sweet tooth I had been having all day and that seemed to help. I still feel like I wasn't satisfied in my food today and could stand to eat something yummy before I go to bed, but I think I've done enough damage for today. I logged every morsel into MyFoodDiary and it wasn't pretty at all.

Whatever, the day's over and tomorrow is a new day. I'm more prepared because I know I have to go to work early (hence, I need to go to the gym early) and my food is all planned out and ready to go. That day just started out wrong and went downhill from there. Tomorrow will be a better day.

On that note, why doesn't my motivation last longer? It's only week 3 and my motivation is already lagging. I don't feel as strongly about resisting temptation on the weekend and forcing myself to go to the gym. It seems like I can go hardcore for a few weeks and, even though I'm seeing results, just can't sustain it for the long haul. I hope this stint of determination isn't over yet, though. I'll hop back on the bandwagon and ride this thing out as long as I can.

Wish me luck!

Weigh-in Day - Week 2

(I don't know if I mentioned this, but I lost 1.5 lbs last week.)

This week's weigh-in went really well. I only expected to lose 1 lb this week because my Sunday was so horrible this past weekend, but I actually lost 2 lbs. Woot! That's the first time in a LONG time that I actually lost the projected amount from MyFoodDiary.

Don't have much time to post though because I have to get everything ready for tomorrow. I have to work my second job tomorrow and am planning on going to the gym beforehand (go me!), so I have to get my gym bag and lunch ready.

They say it takes 21 days to form a habit right? I guess I have less than 7 days left until this new healthy lifestyle becomes a habit. That rocks my socks!!

G'night all! Have a kick ass weekend!!

What's the Next Challenge?

I totally forgot to report that I totally conquered the revolving step StairMaster last weekend. I went to the gym before my second job on Saturday and was determined to do a crapload of cardio so I would have enough calories to enjoy myself at dinner that night (was going to a new Italian joint with friends - YUM!). The top calorie burners for me are running, elliptical machine and the StairMaster. Much to my surprise (or maybe dismay, LOL), that revolving step StairMaster was open! I quickly hopped on it and started haulin' azz up those fake stairs. It was good times, even though it only lasted 20 minutes (hey, that's the limit on those machines at my gym!). I think next time I'll try to up the level of intensity on it. Yay!

Everything is still on track and going full speed ahead. Tomorrow is weigh-in day for me so I'm both excited and nervous. I know I didn't do that well this past weekend, but hopefully I can still show a decent loss. I've been trying not to have too much sodium today, but I'll try to drink some extra water to be sure. =) Only 14 more lbs before I'm not longer considered 'obese' by BMI standards. I'm trying to be just 'overweight' by Cinco de Mayo.

I'm going to visit a friend of mine who lives in San Jose in about 2 weeks. I'm super excited about it because I've never been there and I've always wanted to go there. We are going to a Cirque Du Soleil show (called Kooza) on Friday night, and awesome steakhouse that serves grass-fed beef and organice veggies (awesome!!) and do all the sight-seeing around San Francisco and the Napa Valley wineries. I need to watch my food intake and make sure I get to the gym. I actually made an effort to make sure my friend's apartment complex had a gym and I'm going to force myself to go. I need to make sure I don't just throw my routine out the window. I want to enjoy myself, but not fly completely off the handle. This is supposed to be a lifestyle change, right? Well, my new lifestyle includes exercising on my vacations, apparently.

I've been struggling with whether or not I should buy new clothes. Most of the stuff I own is size 18 with a couple of 16's thrown in there for good measure. I mean, they still fit without looking completely stupid, but I just don't feel great in them. You know how that is, my self-esteem goes in the dumps if I don't feel like I look good in the clothes I'm wearing. I feel like the clothes are way too big and look goofy on me. That being said, I'm still skeptical about forking out $$ for new clothes because I'm afraid I'm going to lose more weight and have to toss those clothes, too. I've been holding off for like a year on buying new clothes because of this. I keep telling myself that it would be a waste of money to buy new clothes because they'll be too big for me to wear soon. Yeah, my track record? I haven't lost jack shiz in like 1.5 years. LOL. That means I have A LOT of really old, outdated and worn out clothes in my closet that I've been wearing over and over again. I'm SO ready for a new wardrobe! Come on 20 lbs, get the hex out of here so I'm FORCED to buy at least a few new things (because NOTHING in my closet will fit me then).

Onward and DOWNward... ONEderland here I come. =)

The Sweets. They call me...

Today was a tough day for some reason. I've been doing fairly well the last 2 weeks and have been riding on that high for a while. Today, I finally came tumbling down off that high. That's not to say I did poorly with my eating or exercising, I just felt off. The hugeness of the task I'm trying to achieve loomed over my head, the difficulty of getting up early to go to the gym everyday kept creeping into my thoughts and my intermittant failures at resisting temptation kept haunting me. I tried to put those thoughts out of my mind and concentrate on how good I've been doing, but geez I have to lose 65 lbs to get to the TOP of my 'healthy weight range'. 65 lbs!! If I lose 1 lb a week, that will take me well over a YEAR to lose. Eating healthily 24/7 for a year straight? *sigh* Life just ISN'T fair sometimes.

Damn you skinny bitches that can eat whatever you want and never gain a pound! *shaking fists at the sky*

I seriously need to make some more goals for this week. I seem to get easily sidetracked if I don't keep track of goals and my progress toward those goals. And my goals are acheiveable because I'm moving in baby steps. The first week it was mostly about getting my food under control and getting back into the gym consistently. This week, it has been more about getting to the gym as often as possible and getting some decent workouts in. Next week, I'm not sure... how about I start making it a goal that I actually get to the gym on TIME so I can get a decent workout in (lengthwise I mean). I also need to concentrate on making them really good workouts. Yes, this is a good idea. More goals please!

(1) Keep eating in check during the weekend by LOGGING everything in real time (or beforehand).
(2) Try to drink 100 oz of water per day
(3) Get to the gym 5 - 6 times this week, mixing up cardio and weight lifting
(4) Lay off the diet sodas


I think that's enough for this week, especially since today is already Wednesday. LOL!

Next week I seriously need to get my butt out of bed in time and put some QUALITY workouts in. I've been getting to the gym and kind of half-assing it since my only goal was to make it to the gym (I hadn't thought much farther than that). I need to make sure I break a good sweat and really workout those muscles when I'm lifting. I should feel sore the day after lifting! I'll need to research more workout routines so I can keep my muscles guessing and so I don't get bored.

Why does time pass by SO SLOWLY when you are trying to lose weight? When I'm eating like shit and not exercising, time flies by and, before you know it, I've gained several pounds. When I'm busting my ass exercising and eating right 7 days a week, the time just creeps by. I know it's because I'm anticipating the weigh-ins because I'm expecting losses, but GEEZ, let's get a move-on Father Time! I'm cool with only losing 1-2 lbs a week, just let those weeks progress a little quicker! =P

The anti-dieter (dear hubby) has donut holes and Otis Spunkmeyer blueberry muffins in the house. Everytime I go into the kitchen, I hear them calling out to me like sirens. Must.... resist....

Goals for week

Today is a New Day

My willpower is not stronger than my desire to eat. I know that now.

Friday I was right on target. I worked out (crazy intense lower body lift), went to work, made homemade Salisbury Steak for my hubby for dinner and just watched a movie. Perfect day, by health standards anyway. Saturday, I went to the gym (50 min cardio workout!), went to my second job and then went to dinner with friends. We went to an italian joint called Rigatony's and I planned on getting a South Beach Diet inspired meal called 'Chicken and Shrimp Primavera', which was made with whole wheat spaghetti. All good right? When my hubby ordered fried calamari, I didn't have a bite. Yay me! Then, the salad and bread came out. I thought to myself, "One or two bites won't hurt." I ended up having a big ol' plate of salad (salami, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, pepperonici, olives, cheese, dressing, etc) and a huge slice of bread. It was so good, I couldn't stop myself. =\ Technically, after I logged my guestimates in MyFoodDiary, I was still in the weightloss zone, but excruciatingly close to being over my weight loss calories. Overall, still a decent day.

Then came Sunday.

For some reason, I was seriously craving sweets, but couldn't eat any because I have given them up for Lent. Instead of just giving in (when technically it's ok to give in to the things you've given up for Lent on the Sundays between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday - wikipedia it, it's true!), I just ate everything else that wasn't sweets. Leftovers from the italian dinner the night before, baked Cheetos, Taco Bell (2 fresco style chicken soft tacos, 1 crunchy taco and half of my hubby's Mexican pizza!), strawberries, yogurt, a sugar free popsicle, stuffed mushrooms, thin crust pizza for dinner and a big bowl of cereal before bed. Technically, I didn't break my vow for Lent, but instead I ended up eating enough food to push me 1,000 calories over my maintainence cals. That translates to gaining 1.9 lbs if I ate like that for 1 week. =\ *sigh* I probably could have saved myself a lot of calories if I had just eaten 1 of my hubby's donut holes or one of his Otis Spunkmeyer Blueberry Muffins (see?? I told you I live with the anti-dieter!!). Oh well, lesson learned. I REALLY have to make sure and have a plan for what I'm going to eat next Sunday. Obviously, playing it by ear does NOT work. I guess it didn't help that I wasn't logging my food in real time, this morning I logged everything I could think of from yesterday and saw the damage. That seriously depressed me because I am so disappointed in my behavior from yesterday. I guess all I can do is deal with it, make a plan for next time and move on.

It just sucks because I was doing so well and then took a flying leap off the bandwagon yesterday for NO REASON. Thinking back on it, I'm sure it was because of lack of planning. I just cannot 'wing it' and stay on plan. I will plan my meals out for Sat AND SUNDAY for this week and see how it goes. What's the saying? Failing to plan is planning to fail.

On top of all that mess from yesterday, I didn't make it to the gym this morning. *tsk tsk* Shame on me! I WILL get back into it tomorrow. My eating WILL be on point today to help make up for the damage from yesterday. I WON'T let this derail me or throw me into a weird downward spiral of depression. It was just one day, get on with your life! Breath.

I ate so horrendously yesterday that I woke up with HEARTBURN this morning. Geez....

Happy Valentine's Day! <3

I love holidays and I'm feeling very festive in my spicy red shirt and black heels today. I'm mostly just dressed up for lunch with my hubby today at P.F. Chang's. Don't worry, I'm going to get brown rice, cantonese shrimp and maybe the steam shrimp wonton appetizer - a measely 650 calories total. That's nothing considering I burned about 500 off at the gym this morning. =)

Oh, speaking of the gym, I conquered the StairMaster today! *ROAR* I think the first time I just psyched myself out because I knew the StairMaster was hard. I've always been intimidated by it because I only ever saw skinny people on it. I thought that it must just be too insanely hard for a fat person to do. Anyways, my first attempt was on Tuesday and I made it through 10 minutes before I sulked away to the elliptical trainer. I decided to give it another shot today, just to try to make it to 15 minutes. Well, I made it to 15 minutes, then to 20 and then all the way to 30 minutes. That's as long as I had planned on exercising today, so ROCK ON! It wasn't even THAT hard - I think it was more of a mental thing than a physical inability to handle that machine. There are two different kinds of StairMasters though - 1 that has revolving stairs and 1 that has 2 pedals that you step up and down on. I have only gotten to do the one with the pedals because the one with the revolving stairs is ALWAYS taken up by the skinny b*tches. LOL! The next time I see one of those open on my cardio day, I'm so on it! I'll let you know how that goes…

Man, I am feeling GOOD about my weightloss journey these days. I have newfound strength to resist the yummy Valentine's day cookies and sweets that are just a few feet away from my desk right now. I have the determination to get up and take my butt to the gym daily. I have the desire to eat only what I pre-planned and pre-packed for myself (that's within my calories). I finally feel like I can really do this. The weight seems to be coming off slowly, but I'm only aiming to lose about 20 lbs this year. If I can stick with this and lose more, I'll be happy as a pig in mud.

Tomorrow is weigh-in day. I was only going to weigh myself once a month, but now that I have my groove back I think it's safe to weigh once a week. Weighing once a week was really getting to me because I would do HORRIBLY on the weekend and then try really hard during the week and expect a loss on Friday. When I didn't see that loss, it sent me to a crazy place and sabotaged all my efforts. Now that I'm doing everything I need to do (even keeping my weekends in check), I think the Friday weigh-ins will be more empowering than depressing. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow! =)

As far as Valentine's Day goes, I don't have any huge plans. Hubby and I are doing lunch today, where I will give him a card filled with my gushings about it, but then we both have to work until 9pm. We might do dinner this weekend at a nicer restaurant, but I think I want to keep it low-key. I know there's going to be a bazillion people out this weekend on their V Day dates and I just don't want to deal with that. We have a group outing with friends on Saturday, so that is all that 'dealing with people' I can handle for this weekend. Hopefully my hubby doesn't give me candy because I can't eat any of those (I've given up sweets for Lent). I'm hoping for a new purse for summer!

Have a Lovely Valentine's Day!

A Day in My Life

I'm going to post my daily schedule and maybe what a typical day looks like for me, so I can look back on this and remember what worked for me (if I ever need to). So far this schedule works well for working 2 jobs. I usually pre-cook all my meals (that need to be cooked) on Sunday before the week starts.

6:15am - Wake up and get ready for the gym
7am - Arrive at the gym, workout for about 30 ~ 45 mins (depending on cardio or lifting)
8am - Shower and get ready for work
8:30am - Drink a protein shake while getting ready for work
9am - Eat a banana on the way to work
10:30am - Mid-morning snack (usually a 2% milk cheese stick and an apple)
Noon - Lunch (this week is Eating for Life's Tuna Rotini and a piece of fruit)
2:30pm - Mid-afternoon snack (this week Reduced fat Triscuits, Reduced fat Swiss and Slices of Oven Roasted Chicken Breast)

5pm - Dinner (this week is Turkey Sandwich on 100% Whole Wheat Bread, baby carrots and grapes)
8pm - Protein Shake
10pm - Go to bed after packing my lunch and gym bag for the next day

For nearly the last 2 weeks, this schedule has been working out really well for me. I'm not hungry, I get enough sleep and things seem to transition well. It took me a decent amount of time to figure this schedule out though. For the first week or two of working the 2 jobs, I was DEAD TIRED and would be super hungry when I got home from work. I've rearranged things and now I'm feeling good. =)

I hope I can keep this momentum going for a long time!

Testing, Testing 1-2-3

(I'm testing the feature that updates my blog via email, so bare with me if it turns out badly. I will fix it once I get a chance to log in from home.)

After several false starts to my weight loss endeavor this year, things finally seem to be on track. I've been eating really well for the last 9 days (give or take a few mistakes here and there) and I've been regularly exercising for the past 2 weeks. It's been good times so far and I'm welcoming the constant throb of endorphins throughout my body. I feel better and am in a much better place now that I'm eating right and exercising. You'd think this knowledge alone would help keep me on track, but no. I seem to have a really selective memory when it comes to things like that. I mean, I KNOW that my skin is clearer, I have more energy, I'm regular (lol, TMI?), I'm in a better mood, I feel better about myself, etc when I'm eating right and exercising. Conversely, I also KNOW that I break out like a pre-teen, am sluggish like no other, have irregular bowl movements (come on, you like knowing about my poop!), feel really gross and disgusting about myself and just am in an all around foul mood when I don't eat right and exercise. Despite all that knowledge, I still proceed to subject myself to prolonged bouts of crappy eating and lack of exercise more often than I'd like to admit. It just baffles me, yet I do it to myself over and over again. Ugly cycle, it is. It's been happening a lot over the last 1.5 years since I've had any significant weightloss. I truly believed that I was trying really hard to lose weight and then not seeing results, but now that I honestly look back at my efforts, I'm fairly sure I was sabotaging the weekday progress with horrendous eating on the weekend. I convinced myself that my eating on the weekend wasn't THAT bad and that something must be WRONG with me since I wasn't losing weight. Last weekend, I had one of those 'this-isn't-THAT-bad-for-me' meals and when I logged it in MyFoodDiary, it was over 2,000 calories. Come on guys, that's a meal that I didn't think was THAT BAD for me. Imagine what the calories in a meal I would consider 'really crappy eating' looked like! Denial is such an ugly beast.

So yeah, I'm eyes wide open now. I'm logging all my food, ESPECIALLY on the weekends. Those are my downfall, so it would only be fitting to be EXTRA careful during that time. I'm also trying to do my best to fit in some sort of exercise on 1 of the days during my weekend. So far that's been on Saturdays and hasn't been too bad because I just stop by the gym on my way to work (just like I do on the weekdays). Sunday has been my rest day as far as exercise goes and I usually also eat my 'cheat' meal on Sunday. Yes, I've decided that a 'cheat' meal is necessary for my sanity. The Body for Life program (which is the program I'm vaguely following at this point) emphasizes a 'cheat day' for sanity and metabolic shock, but I find that those 'cheat days' can really do some damage and unravel all my hard work for the week, so I am containing it to just 1 'cheat' meal. In that meal, I will eat whatever I want, within reason. The content can be anything, but I must really try not go to overboard with the portion sizes. Last weekend, the portion size was what turned that 'cheat' meal into a 2,000+ meal. Must work on that this weekend. Baby steps, folks. Baby steps.

I really like the Body for Life meal plans because they emphasize whole foods mostly. Typically, the meals are made from scratch from naturally occuring items and there's not much processed junk in the recommended foods list. I've been trying to incorporate more of a 'clean eating' type of lifestyle into my life because I found that I was eating a lot of junk that had ingredients that I had never heard of in my life. That just can't be good. If we look back in time to the days when our ancestors weren't horrendously overrun with obesity and diseases caused by obesity, what was everyone eating? Whole foods that could be grown from the earth or animals that were raised in their natural environment. Ideally, we should all grown our own food and raise our own livestock, but that's just crazy talk in this day and age. I'll settle for eating fresh salads and home-cooked meals instead of frozen foods and boxed dinners. (Note: I have been drinking protein shakes though, which are processed I suppose, but I have to get more protein in somehow! I'm a hypocrit, I know. Sorry to disappoint.)

As far as exercise goes, I've been *trying* to do at least 30 minutes of cardio, 3 times a week and then lift weights 3 times per week. I try to make each cardio session a different exercise (elliptical one day, running one day and an aerobics class the last day) just to keep my body guessing and keep my mind interested. Must change things up often or else I get insanely bored with my cardio routine. This past fall I had a lot of fun running outside for my half-marathon training, but I'm over that now. I'm inside on the machines now and have just REALLY discovered the StairMaster machine. I mean, I always knew it was there, but just never paid much attention to it. This week I decided to try it since I had never attempted it before.

I only lasted 10 minutes before I had to concede defeat. =\

That's fine, at least I tried. My calves are KILLING me today because of it, but I welcome the challenge. I am going to attempt it again tomorrow morning and see if I can make it for 15 minutes, if not longer. Seems like a good machine to give me a J.Lo booty, which we all know every woman wants. LOL!

As far as weight lifting goes, I've been alternating between full body circuit training and old-fashioned weight lifting by muscle group. Last week was 2 different full body circuit training session and this week I'm lifting upper-body today and lower-body/abs on Friday. I also like to keep things interesting in that aspect because, yeah, I have a short attention span unless it's something I LOVE. And, no, I do not LOVE exercising. I have a love-hate relationship with exercise. I love how it makes me feel and how it changes my body, but I HATE the actual act of doing it. It is tiring and… hard. LOL. Keep it interesting, ya'll!

I'm so glad I finally feel like I have my groove back. I feel like I did back in 2006 when I lost the last 20 lbs of my 50 lb weightloss so far. Hopefully I can dispose of another 20 lbs before my sister's wedding in June. That is my goal - anything more than that is a blessing.

Keep on truckin' folks!

Keep on Keepin' On

My third 'perfect' day in a row. I'm totally on a roll right now, which is crazy because it's the WEEKEND. My weekends are usually horrible as far as eating goes, but I pleasantly surprised myself. I had to work at my second job today, so I packed my gym bag and lunch and made sure I had a plan for the day. I made it to the gym at about 1pm (OMG, so busy!!) and did my full body circuit routine. I made a mistake of eating lunch BEFORE I went to the gym and I felt like I was going to throw up for about hour after I finished working out. Eww! (Mental note: Do NOT eat before workouts.) Then, I had my healthy snacks and lunch to eat during my second job and everything went smoothly. Here I am, right at my calorie goal for the day and feeling good as hell. I think I'm totally high on endorphins. =)

I'm also happy to report that, as long as I do my Pilates DVD tomorrow, I'm totally on track to knock all my goals out this week. Yay! I'll have to make harder goals for myself next week. This week has been good. I still have issues I need to work on (I munch on a veggie tray today even though I wasn't hungry! Didn't do much calorie damage, but still, I WASN'T HUNGRY!), but overall I'm happy with my progress thus far. Also, I'm getting much stronger and am able to lift much heavier weights at the gym. Hellz yeah!

As for my giving up sweets for Lent, right on target baby! That one has been a little hard though, but it's supposed to be isn't it? Gotta stay focused on the goal!

I'm feeling really good about this week and am tempted to weigh myself, but I promised I'd wait until March 1st. I better not, just in case it sends me into some crazy downward spiral if I don't see the loss I want to see. I finally feel like I'm back in that weightloss groove, which is good because I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding this year and I don't want to look like a fat lump of lard in the cute dress we are going to be wearing! LOL!

I've already planned out all my meals for next week and have made up my grocery list. I'm just waiting on my husbands input so I can take care of all that tomorrow morning. Then, it's cooking all my meals for the week tomorrow evening so I'll be set. No excuses! Doing laundry right now so I'll have plenty of gym clothes for the week also. Yay for planning ahead!

I'm so perky that I'm annoying myself. It's those endorphins, they are pulsating all through my body. I can do this, 2008 is my year!

Ok, off to bed folks!

Yay!

My first 'perfect' day, meaning I exercised hard (full body circuit this morning) and ate exactly what I had planned for myself. No snacking, no over-eating, no slacking on exercise. I was at my calorie limit for the day and already feel sore from my workout this morning. Rock on! I can already feel the endorphins pulsating through my body. Go me!

I finally feel like I have the groove back. I have control over my eating and have gotten back into the routine of working out before work. Granted, it's only been a good DAY and not a good WEEK yet, let alone a good MONTH, but it's definitely a good start. I feel good about it and think I can maintain this focus through the weekend. That's the hardest part for me, the weekend. If I can keep my momentum through the weekend, then next week will be a breeze. =) (Do you think I could use 'good' any more often in that paragraph? LOL)

I'm not that religious nor do I go to church very much, but I've decided to do something for Lent. A co-worker of mine asked me what I was giving up and caught me off guard. I hadn't actually thought about it until just then and decided I was going to give up 'processed sugars that are bad for me'. LOL! Mostly, I need to stay away from sweets because they are triggers for me and can send me into an ugly downward spiral. I worded it in that fashion though because I don't plan on giving up all SUGAR, per se. I'm still going to eat fruit, bread and all those other healthy things that have sugar in them. Just the bad sugars, stay away!

I have to admit that I already failed though. =( I decided yesterday to give up sweets and then when I went to my second job, I totally chowed down on 3 of those peachy candy thingies that are covered in sugar. It was an accident though, they were there and I mindlessly picked them up and ate 3 of them. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't craving them, I didn't even like them all that much - I just ate them because they were THERE. I didn't even REALIZE what I had done until I was driving home after work! No wonder I got so fat. I just mindlessly eat anything lying around! Anyways, I figured since I didn't do it consciously that I can start over. =D

I've decided to give myself small goals each week to focus on and gauge my progess. This week it's...
(1) Get to the gym at least 4 times (been twice already)
(2) Do my Pilates DVD at home on Sunday
(3) Drink AT LEAST 60 oz of water a day, trying to work up to 100 oz
(4) Keep my calories in the 'Weight Loss Zone', meaning eat so that I would actually lose weight and not gain. =\
(5) Try to curb evening snacking by being prepared.

So far, so good on those goals. Next week I'll try to set more ambitious goals, until I reach PERFECTION! LOL, yeah right! I would like to make each day better than the last though.

Ok, off to La La Land so I can get up in the morning and take my happy butt to the gym again! Woohoo! Cardio Day!

Do Over!

Man, I've been swamped with working two jobs the last week. I've really been meaning to write more often and I have a lot to say, but I just haven't been able to put the time in to write quality posts. I have the capability to update via email, but I'm such a perfectionist that I hate the way the font doesn't match the other entries. I know at some point I could just log on and fix the font, but it would just bug the crap out of me that it was messed up until I fixed it. I don't need that kind of anxiety in my life. =\

On another note, I took a little time to prepare a meal plan and go grocery shopping this weekend, so that's finally under control. I've decided to follow the Body for Life program for the next 12 weeks or so. I've always agreed with Bill Phillips' ideas and always seem to migrate back to his regimen when I'm not experimenting with other diets. His plan is what I would call my 'go to' usual. If I'm not trying Fat Smash or South Beach or whatever else book I've just finished, then it's back to the good old trusty Body for Life. A good friend of mine turned me on to it a long time ago and it's just always stuck. I just need to read up a little on the workout plan so I know what I'm doing tomorrow morning at the gym. That's right, I'm FINALLY going back to the gym tomorrow. It seems like I haven't been there in FOREVER! I can tell too because I feel so gross and disgusting right now. The last few days I've eaten like crap and haven't exercise (in I can't remember how long?). I always get this way when I treat my body like crap... I just feel like a piece of crap. You'd think after experiencing this over and over again, that I would just learn NOT to treat my body like crap. But no, I guess old habits die hard, REALLY HARD.

That being said, I have my lunch packed (breakfast, snacks, lunch AND dinner because I'm working the two jobs tomorrow), my gym bag packed and I'm all ready to go. I feel good about this week and am just going to try my best to follow the Body for Life program as well as I can for a month and then reassess where I am at. I think I just give up too soon on diets and just need to stick it out for longer than a few weeks. I'm going to give it a whole month before I even weigh myself for a second time. I can do this!

My neighbor is trying the Smart for Life diet and I'm curious to see how that works out for her. We have essentially the same amount of weight to lose and if she's successful on it, I might give it a go. I don't exactly fully believe in the process there, but a part of me just wants the weight off. I've been trying to lose this last 50+ lbs for like 1.5 years and it seems like I"m just not getting anywhere. Good thing is that I've been able to maintain a 50+ lb weightloss for that 1.5 years. A part of me wants to just hurry up and get to my goal weight by any means possible because I know I can maintain it. Take the easy way out and just GET to my goal weight by less than ideal means or suffer for who knows how much longer and possibly never get to my goal weight because I was too snotty to give it a try? I don't know. We'll see how I feel after this first month of Body for Life.

I took the day off of work today to just veg out. I've been going non-stop with these two jobs and weekend events and just needed a day to relax and recharge my batteries. I think it did the trick (even though I really feel like I could take the whole week off) and am ready to get back to the daily grind. I seriously need to just take it easy this upcoming weekend. I need to not over-work myself and burn out during these peak time of tax season.

My middle sister (I'm the baby) is getting married on June 21st of this year. I'm going to be one of her bridesmaids. Is it super vain that I just want to look CUTE in the bridesmaid dress instead of a STUFFED SAUSAGE??? I've got less than 5 months. I can do this! I don't want to be dieting and complaning about my weight when I'm like 40! Can I just get this over with already?!

That is all.

I'm trying... I swear!

I'm just here to report that my weekend is NOT going well for my diet. I'm eating entirely too much and not exercising enough.

At least I'm owning up to it. =\

I'll report more when my houseguest leaves!

Thoughts to Ponder

Maybe I shouldn't cook so much and experiment with recipes. Tonight I made Angel Hair Pasta Chicken from a recipe I found on Allrecipes.com and it was really good. Herein lies the problem, it tasted really good so I wanted to eat a lot of it. The portion size was pretty generous and I was fairly full, but just the fact that it tasted good... I guess I kept wanting to taste it (meaning I wanted to shovel more of it into my mouth). I seriously had an internal battle with myself about whether or not I was going to eat another serving. I did not have any extra calories to account for it and I didn't exercise today, so it was totally out of the question - but I found myself reasoning that if I ate another serving I could work it off tomorrow. That's just crazy talk because I wasn't even hungry! What on God's green earth was making me want to eat that second serving so badly? I'm not sure, but I tried to appease my stomach by eating a giant iced sugar cookie... which was probably the same amount of calories and a lot less healthy than a second serving of dinner.

DAMN!

Eww!

Two of my toenails are totally going to fall off *I think* because of the half marathon. Either my running shoes are a tad too small (which I don't think so because I've never had this problem before) or I should have trimmed my toenails before the race. Weird, because I hate long toenails so it's not like they were these huge claws, but i guess being longer than my normal stubs was enough to bang against the front of my shoe for 3 hours during the race. I would totally take a picture of the bruised big toenail, but I wouldn't want to gross anyone out. LoL!

Did I ever tell you?

That my husband is the epitome of the 'anti-dieter'? Seriously, if he even suspects something is healthy, he will instantly despise it. He doesn't like fruits and vegetables and would die happy if he could eat out every single meal of every single day. Anything I cook that is 'diet', he eats with what almost looks like a grimace. He eats what I put on the table most days, but he lets me know that he doesn't particularly like it. If he could eat burgers, pizza and burritos everyday - I'm sure he would. He also abhors exercise. I've asked him a million times to go to the gym with me, take a walk with me, etc and will always get an exasperated, 'Do I have to?' When asked if he wants to go on a walk, I usually get the blanket answer, 'I've done enough walking in my life.' He's 28. Why such disdain for a healthy lifestyle??

This makes my lfe difficult, especially when it comes to trying to lose weight. I meticulously plan out my meals and grocery lists to incorporate healthy stuff - whole wheat carbs, veggies, fruits, lean meats and water mostly - and I make up a tenative schedule for what workouts I'm doing on which days. All this tedious planning can be easily derailed by my husband not wanting to eat what I planned for dinner ('I don't want fish!'), not wanting to go to the gym with me (or even wanting me to go alone) or by him bringing junk food into the house. He doesn't even have to offer me the junk food, just the fact that I know it's in the house is going to make me want to eat it. I have very low will power against temptation, which is why my best bet is to stay as far away from the crappy stuff as I can. Do you see how this can be a problem? I can't be near bad stuff or I give in quickly to temptation, but my hubby brings it into the home and often encourages me to indulge. =\

*sigh* I can't blame my shortfalls on anyone though. I am in charge of what I put in my mouth. He's really a good guy and doesn't mean any malice, but he just doesn't realize how much his habits effect me. You can't make someone be healthy if they don't want to though. I just want him to eat well and exercise for his own health because diabetes runs in his family. I mean, we just started our life together and I'd like it to last as long as possible! *sigh again* I just wish we were on more of the same page about this.

I have to confess that I ate a really big iced sugar cookie tonight. Totally not in my meal plan, but it stopped me from overeating my dinner. Eh *shrug* you win some, you lose some.

Any Given Sunday

The weigh-in went well on Friday. The first time I stepped on it, it said 208.5 lbs. I was like, 'Woohoo!', but that was short lived. The next 3 times I stepped on the scale, it said 210 lbs. That's fine by me though because it puts me right back where I was before I left for the holidays. Back to pre-holiday weight, but still a little over 10 lbs above my mini milestone of being under 200 lbs. I think tenatively I'm aiming to reach that goal by St. Patty's Day. I just picked that day arbitrarily, but I think it's doable.

I'm still going strong, baby. I went to the gym the last 5 days - 3 cardio days, 2 lift days and 1 pilates class! Yay! Why is it that even though I've been attending the gym fairly regularly for the last few years, I'm sore as if I've never stepped foot inside a gym before. How is that possible? Every muscle screams and aches as if this is the first time I have ever put them through this routine. Strange. I haven't felt this sore in ages, but it's a good kinda pain. =)

Today is my rest day, so I didn't go to the gym, but I spent the whole day cleaning my house since I'm going to be having houseguests this week. That's hard work dammit! I'm done with that now, so I thought I'd pop in and update. Now, I must go input my food for today into the calorie counter...

Adios!